words from a broken soul

Christmas

It's a holiday about being joyful
Yet what do you do if joy is lacking
When the people you really care for
Are dead and gone it feels hollow
But that might just be me holidays
In general they don't feel the same
Not when those who meant the world
To me one six feet in the ground
The other is nothing more than ashes
It's a holiday about being joyful

But for me it's not much different
Just another day of the year with gifts
Which to be honest that adds a lot of stress
For a lot of people who already struggle
To just make it to next week and then
There's the capitalism of this holiday
Got get everyone presents if you don't
Most think you don't care for them
Some might understand that surviving
Is more important than a stolen holiday
Christmas isn't of Christian origin but
Then again most holidays are except Easter
But the origin of Christmas is pagan
It's original name was yule which sound cooler
Unfortunately that's all I know of it's origin
It's a holiday about being joyful

The thing is as a kid I always wanted toys
Or something video game related got older
I didn't really care for toys they're nice but
Video games were better in helping me to
Escape from the world that was stressing me out
Became a young adult and clothes those
Are a gold to me don't really care for much
Because clothes me seem cheap but I just
Rather not have something people paid for
With half or over half of the income to buy me
It's a holiday about being joyful

And what little joy I have isn't really worth
The fussing about a holiday that thrives of
Capitalism because we're taught that expensive things
Show you how valued others see you fuck that
Just get me some clothes that you'd think
I would like or wear because as a society
Have been made to think spending money
On our friends and family shows we value them
The same could be done with a handwritten letter
But again most people aren't gonna be happy
Hell just play it safe and give them money
Because no one is going to say no to money
It's a holiday about being joyful

But I'm a cold and numb shell of a lad
So emotions aren't my Forte unless it's me
Killing them so I don't get overwhelmed by
The emotions I desperately run from for
They are a weaknesses strength is being numb
I was numb to the hell around me growing up
Now I've survived that hell yet it came with
The heavy cost of being broken and altered
It's a holiday about being joyful

But I'm learning to fight back against the
Battles of my flashbacks and the void who
Whispers in me ear to remind me my worth
But the depression the void mentions can
Spiral into suicidal ideation because of e
Being overwhelmed with emotions not able
To kill them so gotta ride the spiral wave
Out try to drown out the void with music
While I'm also fighting to not drown with
The thoughts of slashing my throat and
Feeling my life ebb away like a dying flame
It's a holiday about being joyful