words from a broken soul

Walls

Everyone has built up walls
I did it in response to being hurt
Now the walls are still standing
Cracked and filled with holes but standing
Everyone has built up walls

Thing is these cracks and holes
Stuff gets out through them
Personal things that I rather not share
But these Personal things are the only
Ones where I don't feel like I'm a nuisance
Not by much but enough for me to feel
"Normal" but that's the thing about walls
The purpose is to not let people in
Everyone has built up walls

I really wish I could just talk about my interests
Without feeling like I'm annoying someone
Growing up that's all I really felt like annoying
So now I just trauma dump which is worse
But who really cares to hear me talk about
Assassin's creed or anime or the Mangas
I've read watched or played for an hour
Not many that's what it seems like
Everyone has built up walls

Most days my walls cracked and filled with holes
Make it challenging to actually like myself
I don't let anyone in
Keep everyone I know at arms length
Just to suffer in silence
Always telling myself that I'm fine
Hearing his voice say they don't care
Never have never will
Everyone has built up walls

Psychosis be damned I know the voice is wrong
But hearing it everyday and you start to believe it
That's the worst part knowing the voice is wrong
Yet still believing said voice
Naivety really or just down right stupid, you decide
Everyone has built up walls

The voice whispers how I'm useless
A burden a fuck up better off dead
To the point I'm registering them as
My own thoughts because they are now
It's exhausting being haunted by your past
I've lost count of how many times I've killed the voice
But it keeps coming back like a fucking roach
Everyone has built up walls

Some days the voice just whispers to me
Telling me to off myself
Makes me wonder what it would be like
One hard slash against my throat
My life will ebb away like a flame that never lit the pit
I know it's wrong to wonder that but
It makes me think if death will be my
Only reprieve from this hell called life
Everyone has built up walls

Not many of my friends know what goes
On inside my head half the time neither do I
But the thoughts they come in so fast
So many different topics that I can't
Focus so I just do mindless things
I already struggle to focus but it's worse over time
Everyone has built up walls

Fire god fire is the only thing I like
The smell of fire is addicting to me
For the most part I can tell the difference
Between charcoal for a grill and a bonfire
Either way my heart rate ticks up
Sulfer and phosphorus my favorite scent
Everyone has built up walls