words from a broken soul

Shell

I'm a shell of my former self
The lad fell down the well he choose suicide
I can't blame him not with what we went
Through a hell that altered us left us broken
We survived that hell at the cost of sanity
You get to know us when I'm not wearing
The mask to hide the battles I face alone
Because that's all I had was myself yet
At least the chances of getting betrayed
Are lower than when you rely on others
I'm a shell of my former self

Haven't really felt joy in so long what does
It feel like can it even break through my
Cold and numb self or does it get killed
Like all my other emotions because they're
A weakness being numb was the strength
I needed to survive that hell I lived through
Yet now killing emotions is something I do
Automatically it's akin to breathing I don't
Think about killing any emotions just do it
It's funny living on autopilot things just
Happen always wondering when it happened
The coldness in my heart will anything
Thaw it out of is heartache and pain the
Only thing that I'll ever know in this game
That we call life what is the meaning to it
I'm a shell of my former self

Joy it's such an innocent emotion yet I see
It as if it's cancer or the plague something
That'll need to be removed or treated less
It kills me more than the void whispering in
My ear telling me things I've accepted as true
But I know they're nothing more than lies
Yet why do I always believe these lies
When I'm going through a depressive spiral
The void is all that I'm able to hear no matter
How loud the song is how loud I listen to music
I'm a shell of my former self

The void is always louder than my escape
The joy I felt as a child hell beat that out of me
So cold and numb it's what I've become
Now I'm wondering do I truly deserve joy
We all do but joy can lead to unknowns things
I don't want to know or experience because
They terrify me what is there in the unknown
I'll never know because I'm just a shell that
Took the place of the joyful lad I once was
Will he ever come back out the well or do
I keep Living this life in his stead who's to say surely not me
I'm a shell of my former self

Always wondering when did that joyful lad
Throw himself down the well with in me
But I know I'll never find the answer to it
Question is which memories are mine and
Which are the joyful lads memories thing is
The memories they seem to bleed together
I can never differentiate the memories we
Each have but I still can't figure out which
Are mine and which of them are the lads
I'm a shell of my former self