words from a broken soul

Family

What is family for me it's alien
When you grow up in hell you
Start wondering what family truly is
Surly it's not the dysfunctional life
That is around me the constant arguing
Got so loud once my eardrums ruptured
The arguing got used to it ignored it just
Focus on what's on TV not around you
What is family for me it's alien

The silence was never good unless it was
Night with me being the only one up sleep
What is sleep when you can actually think
The hell I lived through I became numb to
Pain was a constant in my family life yet
Depressingly it was always inflicted by family
The hatred some felt for each other made
It feel like a couple bombs could drop start
The next argument yet I was numb from it
Escape from the hell through other worlds
What it is family for me it's alien

I had two people growing up who were the world to me
They became dead such is the cycle but
Then I started wearing a mask because
The fire in me was cold embers growing darker
The normal for me was just pretend to be fine
Yet I was fractured and broken from a past
That is haunting me in from the shadows
Wondering when the abysmal void will force
The memories onto me through a flashback
Will I have the strength to fight back or
Am I weak succumb to the spiral drown
In the scars that fester behind my eyes
What is family for me it's alien

Questioning if I have any face value
Being reminded I should've slashed my throat
Feel my life ebb away like embers being doused
Yet what family member made hate myself
Who's voice is in the void telling me these things
Question after question no answers just
The thoughts in my head waiting for the
Spiraling to end but does it ever truly end
Family should love each yet I got a twisted
And sickening form of being loved growing up
Abused in all the ways possible isolated
My siblings were the only people I knew
Around my age besides one other person
What is family for me it's alien

I want to have a family but I fear I'll be
Like the nightmares I had for family
Terrified of if I'll find anyone who can
Truly love me with all I am insane yet sane
Bane of my existence balance the two
Be presentable for others when I'm just
A broken soul who's solace are these words
The wounds the pain all branded onto
My soul and mind I've just accepted them
Yet I hate them all the same but can't do
Much about just hope for the better if I do
Have a family of my own prove to myself
I'm so much more than the trauma I endured
From nightmares I had to call family
They left me to become a broken soul
But it was that or death choose to be
A ghost more akin to a corpse yet living
What is family it's for me it's alien