Saviors [A SVU and Bensler Fan Fic]

[Chapter Eighty-Two]

I was angrier than I think I've ever been before. But it also could've been the exhaustion that was making everything seem worse than it really was. I went home and Christopher was up and getting ready for school with my sister's help, but even hearing my son talking and laughing didn't make my anger go away.

"Momma?" Christopher questioned, as he walked down the stairs and saw my taking my coat off.

"Hey." I sighed, and he stood at the bottom of the stairs and shifted a bit.

"Are you okay, Momma?" He asked, and I nodded.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Chrissy. Come here." I spoke, before squatting down. He ran to me and wrapped his arms around my neck before burying his face into my shirt.

"Can I stay home with you today, Momma? I don't want to go to school. I've missed you." He sniffled.

"I've missed you too, but I'll be here when you get home. Remember that you get to be a big boy today and ride the bus home? You've been looking forward to that for so long!" I spoke, as I tried to convince my son that going to school would be worth it.

"But-"

"Chris, please baby. I'm so tired and I really need you to go to school. I'll be here when you get home and we can play games or something, okay?"

"Mom-"

"Christopher," I replied a bit sterner. He frowned before staring at me.

"You are going to be nicer to that baby than you have ever been to me!" He screamed, which sent tears rushing down my cheeks.

"Chrissy!" I exclaimed, but he was a lost cause. He was stomping around and slamming things, and I knew there was nothing I could say to him because I'm the bad guy.

[*]

Christopher refused to say anything to me before he left for school, which was heartbreaking. Cynthia told me that she'd talk to him when they were on the way to his school, but I knew she wasn't going to get anything out of him. He was angry, so freaking angry at me for telling him to go to school. And then he had to bring up the baby. I had promised myself that I would never allow there to be favoritism in my household between children. Biological or not, I would love and treat all of my kids the same. But Chris just had to hit me right there.

When my sister got home, I was sitting on the couch, just waiting for her to say that she might've gotten Chris to say anything.

"Hey." I breathed, as I stood up and looked at my sister.

"He said he wishes he was living with his Mommy's mother and sister. Not 'Livia and Elliot'." She breathed, and tears streamed down my cheeks. I sank back down onto the couch and buried my face in my hands before sobs started to rack my body.

"Liv-"

"Please don't say anything, Cy. Please." I begged. Cynthia came over and sat down next to me, before wrapping her arms around my body and pulling me close.

"He's just a kid. He's upset and is just acting out."

"He thinks that I won't treat or love him and the baby the same. He thinks that I'll love the baby more. I won't, Cy. I know that I won't. They are both my kids. I just can't grasp where he would've gotten all of these thoughts. He was so excited about the baby and stuff, and now he doesn't even love Elliot and me anymore. Maybe he should've gone and lived with Chloe's mom and sister. Maybe they were right. I'm not made out to be a mother. I'm not good enough."

[*]

I was inconsolable for the rest of the day. Cynthia tried everything, but I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't stop thinking about every little mistake I have made since Christopher came to live with us. Maybe I wasn't showing him how much I loved him...

"Olivia. You need to get up now and come eat dinner." Elliot spoke, and I shook my head. I would usually be happy to see my husband, but not right now.

"I'm not hungry." I whimpered.

"I know you are hungry. Cynthia said that you ate nothing today. So, come on. We got Thai."

"I don't want to come downstairs. Leave me alone."

"You know that I can't do that."

"You can."

"I can't leave you alone with those harmful thoughts in your head. We are great parents. You are an amazing mother, and no matter what our son says, that will never change."

"When we didn't have him when I wasn't pregnant, I wasn't a mother. I was just some screwed up girl that was scared to become a mother. Now that I am one, I know that those fears about a bad mom were just there to predict the future. If he wants to be happy, I don't think that he should be around me."

"Liv. Please just come down and eat. He has seemed to have calmed down."

"Leave me alone."

[*]

Around midnight, I was sitting up in bed looking at my bedroom door. Christopher always came in here at that time to sleep, but as the minutes slipped by, he didn't come to the door. I climbed out of bed and walked out of my bedroom. I opened his door a bit and saw him laying on his back in his bed, his eyes wide open.

"Chris, what are you doing up?" I whispered, and he looked over at me and frowned deeply.

"Go away."

"Why didn't you come into our bedroom?"

"Because there isn't room in there anymore."

"Chr-"

"I can't cuddle with you anymore, Livia." He frowned, and I closed my eyes tightly to stop the tears.

"I'm your mother, Chris."

"No, you aren't. My Mommy is in heaven because my Daddy hurt her." He spoke.

"Do you not want a baby brother or sister?" I asked as I crossed my arms over my chest.

"I want my Mommy back. I don't want you and Elliot anymore. I don't want that stupid baby or anything."

I was surprised about how angry my 4-year-old was. I can't imagine how scared he must be by the thoughts going through his head. Or how hurt he was to make him think that we didn't love him anymore and to make him not love us either.

"Okay. But we love you, Chris."

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