Soulmates

Control

"I can't do this. I'm not ready." You whisper covering your body with your shirt. Bucky gets off of you, both of them now sitting next to you. "Okay. Come here, will you let me get you dressed?"

Steve is calm and he caresses your arm softly. He understands it's because of your assault and so does Bucky. Bucky already got off the bed to grab one of his sweatshirts. "Yea. Ok." You whisper and then Bucky slips the sweatshirt on you.

"Do you want to lay down? What do you wanna do?" Bucky asks as he gets himself dressed again. Steve puts his clothes back on too. You honestly don't know what you need. You just knew you couldn't continue with what you had been doing before.

"I don't know." You mumble. You scoot back so your back is against the headboard of the bed. "Do you need Nat?" Steve asks. "No." You didn't want Nat, you didn't want them to leave.

"Tell us what you need doll. Do you need to talk about it?" You look up from your hands to Bucky. "Can we just lay down and watch a movie?" Both boys nod and lay into bed with you.

"Do you want us to hold you?" Bucky asks. "Yes. Please." You pull both of them closer to you and they wrap their arms around you. "Are you okay?" Steve whispers as you flip through Netflix for something to watch.

"I guess. It sucks. I want nothing more than to be able to let you both touch me and I want to be able to touch you like that again. I miss feeling both of you, but I see him. Every. Single. Time."

"Don't worry about us sweetheart. This is about you. We can handle not sleeping with you, as long as you're okay and you're not hurting."

"But I am. I am hurting because I want you. Both of you and I can't do it because he took something from me and now all I see when either of you is on top of me is him on top of me. Pinning me down."

"Doll..." Bucky pulls you over so your head is on his chest. Your sandwiched between your boys as they hug you tightly. "All I want to see is or feel is you guys. But all I see or feel anymore is him and I know he's dead but I want him alive just so I can kill him myself."

"Baby, I'm sorry that's-" You cut him off and pull away from both of them. "I wanted to kill him so I could show him he had no fucking power over me and now he's dead. I couldn't take my power back from him and he's still controlling me even though he's dead."

"Baby killing him yourself wouldn't have changed anything. You know that. You would've felt terrible if you killed him. Even with everything he did. You're not a killer sweetheart."

He was right. You knew deep down he was. You still couldn't help but feel the way you did though. You wanted revenge on him, but you couldn't get it. You let them pull you back into their arms and after a moment Bucky speaks.

"He's right my love. You're not a killer. You can still take your power back too. You fight. You fight every day to get back to who you are. You get to move on with your life, you get to continue to live your life, and he doesn't. So live your life, do not give him the satisfaction of controlling you even after he's dead."