Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 115: While My Loves Sleep

I remember that January night.... January 19, I believe it was, in any case it scared me. Josephine passing out, having gotten sick.... that feeling I had when I arrived at the hospital, getting her checked over.... feeling frantic, in tears.... lost.... anger at my parents for even LOOKING at my oldest daughter and the thought somewhere in all that entered my brain.... the thought of what Nikki's reaction would be. He would get told, of course, which was difficult as fuck, but he and I like we'd always tell our children, 'I want you to be honest with me, no matter how much it hurts.' it's also what Nikki and I vowed to each other.

Still, it killed me, to see Josephine once again lying in a hospital bed.... being given something for her to get much needed sleep. But her lying there, looking so small....so much like her then still sleeping mother, my Nikki. One more thing before you find me with my loves sleeping, or really two things: one, I wasn't alone & two, my family needed a BREAK. We'd be thru so much then, were going thru so much and not gonna lie, it was all I could do to keep it together......

I've spent ample time with Tony, James & Frankie...whom are still in the NICU sadly. Their breathing has gotten better, they are off oxygen or have just been taken off. Doctors tell me they won't have any future breathing issues & such.... But their weight? Their weight is slow progress, and I firmly believe it's because Nikki is in a coma, and the three of them KNOW something is wrong with their mother and NOW their oldest sister: Josephine. I've spent time with Nikki, now family is here: Mick...Brad, their son.... Tommy Lee with Stevie Adler and their two kids.... Tyler, Vince...everyone. I need them, I need them all....and I need Nikki and our family to heal most of all.

Amara is asleep in my lap now, and I break down....and I feel more than I see some take her, I tense for a moment before I can feel myself relax knowing she's in good hands. My head now in my hands, sobbing looking from Nikki to Josephine sleeping away....my loves, one of whom as been asleep for weeks and the other for over a DAY.... going on 2 now.

"I-Its not FAIR! Josephine's been thru ENOUGH as it is with Deana, now my parents.... what she's going thru with him, how she feels.... her pushing herself to the extreme and once again she is in the hospital. I hate this for her.... for Nikki, God this will hurt telling him, it hurts NOW as is."

Steven Tyler sighs heavily, tearfully. "No man it's NOT fair, not for you nor your family. And yeah, it does hurt, and it will, but I know you wanna be honest with one another, always. But still SUCKS."

The other children stick close to their parents, in various stages of dozing or at least now they are, I hold tightly to Amara. Still the tears come, no matter how hard I am trying to keep them at bay and once again, my gaze lands on Nikki and Josephine and God, it hurts. I feel like this is MY fault, I mean deep down I know it ain't. Still, I wish I could take away their pain.... their heartache not to mention my own. Here they lie before me.... Maybe I should not have pushed myself so hard, then again everyone deals with things differently. Josephine is so much like Nikki in all ways save a few traits from me, but those ways aren't necessarily good. Still, I wouldn't trade those ways of hers or HIS because I love ALL parts of them. The taking on of so much that one person couldn't handle it on their own, to the point that they neglect themselves.... well, it's a part of who they are, and I will always be here to love & support them thru it all....

I find myself, in between Nikki and Josephine, Amara now with in view clutching her own little Angel bear lying in a cot.... but now, I reach out with one hand on one side and my other....to where I am holding on to both my husband and oldest daughter, and their features relax. They KNOW I am touching them, that I am here....and after some moments, I find myself glancing at Mick...

Mick whose gaze is knowing & sad both, so he takes a breath and says, "You wanna talk about how she was doing before you came for her the other night?"

I nod practically whispering, "Yes."

"Brad & I Both.... tried chamomile tea, that lavender tea that she told us Nikki likes so much for sleep.... We thought she'd drink it, but she wouldn't. She kept getting quieter & quieter, fearing we'd all disappear, especially at night. She begged us not to tell you, we tried to tell her it would be ok to rest. But still, we could hear her cry.... She I believe is punishing herself not just because Nikki himself would do much the same, but because I think she feels if she doesn't sleep then that would somehow make Nikki wake up, that she wouldn't be taken away...." Mick gets choked, Brad gently squeezing his hand.

"She refused to turn the lights out, to take a break.... We're lucky she went to the bathroom. She didn't realize, but I'd caught her 'talking' to Nikki at one point, she thought he was there. It was heart breaking, what she said..." Brad picks up where I believe Mick was about to go to, and he pauses a moment before saying, "I finish all my work, I just wanna make you proud momma.... maybe it will make you wake up sooner."

"Damn...." I utter, choking back a sob & barely at that. "—I knew it was hard for her, but God.... I didn't know that. and she SAW my parents.... she'd told me. She told me...."

"Its not your fault Joe, I need you to realize that. its not your fault at all." Mick reassures me, which I need to hear but still....

"Man, never doubt how amazing you and Nikki are as parents. You're raising your children right, encouraging them to talk about their mental health, to be strong, to love man. Remember that..." Tommy Lee is very much right, very much so.

We all chat for a bit, the tears never leaving me until its just me, Nikki and Josephine and that silence, those beeps of the machines.... the sound of tears. Amara went with I think it was Tommy Lee, Steven Adler Lee and their two daughters: Athena who will be I think 5 this year and two-month-old Persephone....

If you're wondering yes, I spent more time with Tony, James, And my youngest girl Frankie.... They bonded with me, with Nikki and their older sister. Now on with the show...

"Nikki.... oh BABE, Honeybee....and my little bee Josephine......I need to tell you both, as much as I need you both right now. As much as this hurts, you both need to REST, to sleep...to heal. I swear you both, to our family things will get better in time. Because I have faith in our bond Nikki, in our love and the bond of love with our children. I love you all beyond what mere words can ever express. I will never leave you, never.... i promise."

I couldn't realize then, at least not at that point in time...just HOW much good it did Nikki to have Josephine in the room with him. But good, it would DO for he'd finally start to get color back, and I believe to this day it leads to him coming back to me, to our family.

A/N: Love, Family, bitter-sweet...emotional, everything. More to come soon!