Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 113: A Letter from My Heart Part 2(Reminisce)

Never mind the hour, since Nikki's been in a coma.... time, I have no sense of it. Especially at this moment.....it's taken me a while, to calm down but still I can't sleep....i know I won't be able to, so I've taken it upon myself to place Nikki's letter lovingly in our family scrap book which was in his drawer and now....now, I find myself beginning to look thru, starting at the beginning of my life with my other half....our journey and our family. I feel as if Nikki is beside me at this very moment, his heart beating in time with mine.

"I remember this Nikki.... a moment, of you and I froze in time..." I murmur tearfully, tracing my husband's image in the photograph. "---I had no idea Mars of all people took this picture of you & I together on one of our smoke breaks...."

You with your back against the wall, us sitting side by side.... exhaling twin clouds of smoke. We didn't talk much, or at all really this day.... I think it was before our first date, when suddenly you turned to me & said, 'Why do you keep hanging out with me Joe? I don't get it, there are so many more people for you to talk to.'

Ah yes, I remember that October day....it was chilly there in the shade and my reply was, 'Maybe I am still trying to make up for being 'fucking rude.' I'd quipped smirking, you merely rolled your eyes and flipped me off & to my surprise I'd laughed, Laughed and your eyes grew wide......before you surprised ME by joining in.

"I didn't see how close we were then, physically.... we were bonding, I see that now...." I murmur, looking at other precious images of he and I until once more I stop & slip into my memories once again....

Another picture, another memory....one that you Nikki took with those hands that I love and know so well: one of me, sitting on the edge of your bed in rehab, the morning after we'd had wild shower sex and created our Josephine. We didn't know any of this then. You looked SO sad that day, because I couldn't stay and I remember telling you, reminding you...., 'Nikki, I know you hate this, us being "apart" ...I do too, but we're not truly apart. I need you to know that I am PROUD of you. You're doing so damned good, you're alive....and I know now more than ever that your heart is mine and mine.... mine is and always will be yours. I'll write, I'll call and find my way back to you Honeybee, no lie.'

More images follow: you & I Nikki in Canada when Mӧtley was recording Dr. Feelgood, an ultra-sound photo of Josephine, followed by pictures of you after you were at last home again with me pregnant with Josephine...just after Canada.... such precious photos....and then once more I find myself stopping at a photo I took of you:

"This.... oh honeybee, this picture of you wearing your hair in a ponytail for the first time, bandana above your brow & your hands cradling your swollen stomach housing our oldest daughter.... god, it takes my breath away...." Gently I caressed the photo.

I keep looking thru, seeing the progression of your pregnancy with Josephine Nikki, how you only grew more beautiful.... pictures of after the birth, you holding her in the hospital....one of the three of us, the first picture of OUR family......i feel you with me Nikki, I feel our children beside me....

So many memories, special ones.... Seeing Josephine grow, our honeymoon photos, that first Christmas in Boston, more images of our family & more images of you and I, like the photos from that co-headlining tour of our band's that first tour of Josephine's & once more I pause at a photo taken of us: you, me, & Josephine on October 31. 1989....

"I forget who took this picture.... you & I in full regalia as it were....and Josephine in her little bee costume, I remember though how happy we were. How Josephine kept saying in her special little way, mommy, daddy I bee!'. You & I am smiling, looking at her.... the way you looked.... Nikki, God its beautiful. It was...all of it beautiful, still is. You can feel the love between us all."

The years fly by: Josephine growing.... her milestones, photos of it all......me teaching her guitar & then comes Amara. Images now, of before she was born.... her birth, her growth....... Josephine holding her for the first time, more pictures of the two of them together, pictures from Josephine's first day of 4k....... wedding anniversary pictures, photo shoots......it's a beautiful, fucking beautiful life Honeybee....

Before I realize it, coming to pictures of 1993.... the year that was one of the best and one of the worst: I see birthday's, special occasions, interviews and then I get to the holidays the one's before the heart break of Josephine's kidnapping.... the ones of Halloween & thanksgiving:

'I look like mommy! This is cool!' Josephine explained before Nikki snapped the photo of Josephine on Halloween 93, she had school that day & Nikki had made a mini-female version of his old black & white stripped stage outfit. She wore her hair teased just like his, his make-up......the photo in question: well Josephine is smiling widely, laughing after failing to maintain her serious 'rock star' face. Still, I hear Nikki say lowly to me, 'God, its like looking in a mirror.... back in time.... Joe, she's growing up too fast, but still, it's beautiful.'

Day by day, more and more I SEE Josephine becoming more and more like you Nikki....and I no lie love that. I see Amara becoming more like me......and I see Tony, James & Frankie.... well like in the letter you wrote for me, they are already amazing just like their older sisters......look at US Nikki......where we are, where we've come from.... How far have we come. I am so fucking proud of us, our family......to be a husband, to be a father.... i know you are still sleeping and fuck it hurts, yet too I know I am with you as you are with me. Nikki, I won't give up until you are healed, and our five children are with us.... our family reunited. Babe, just wait till you see what things I have in store......

I of course as you know, wouldn't sleep that night.... How could I? I was, needed I felt to be connected to my family & looking through those photos helped ground me. God, it was bitter-sweet though....and yes it helped & at the same time it hurt. I'd look thru the entire scrap book, the photos taken of Josephine in the hospital post kidnapping, Christmas 93......pictures of Amara's 2nd birthday, pictures of Nikki pregnant with our triplets......so many memories, I relived that night.... I relived them all. Where you will find me next, it's the middle of the night. I'd just finished looking thru the scrap book & I get a phone call.... not from the hospital, which had already called me at some point and gave me updates on my youngest children and Nikki....my poor husband still in his coma, but the phone call would be from: Josephine.

I will go head and tell you, or rather leave you with this: Like me she couldn't sleep & she needed someone to talk to. So as always, you will see....

A/N: Bitter-sweet reminiscence, more to come & there will be a part 3 aka the letter from my heart phone call. Stay tuned!