Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 112: A Letter from My Heart Part 1

'I don't do so well alone....' My husband's words echoing in my ears as if he right beside me and God how I wish he was. Here I am crying my fucking eyes out, clutching Nikki's pillow that despite being clean STILL smells like him. I clutch it as if it's my lifeline and right now God, I wish it was him I was holding. Its night, not super late...not sure, but I THINK it's before midnight...., but I am alone...here in the house I share with my husband, my children.... two of whom are with one Tommy Lee & Stevie Adler-Lee alongside THEIR kids and my 3 youngest still in the NICU, making steady progress.... little by little they are getting there. But yeah, I'm alone because my family at large has forced me to spend some time for ME. I know I need it, but I fucking hate it at the same time.

It's been 2 weeks, 2 weeks at least that's what the Doctor's have said and still Nikki sleeps, no brain damage still....and its felt more like a life time, since I've seen him smile, just SEEN him...heard the sound of his voice.....calm, calm, I need to think of Nikki....my children.....I inhale Nikki's pillow, still smelling of lavender & licorice....

"Nik-ki....h-honeybee.... I---I need you; WE need you......the kids, Josephine & Amara, God I am so proud of them.... worried too, especially about.... J-Josephine...and.... babe...babe, Tony, James & Frankie.... are making steady progress......but fuck if this doesn't hurt...."

'Joe, you always tell me.... that my things smell like me, that you feel safe......loved even when not physically with me, I keep you grounded as you do the same for me. I know things fucking suck right now, but you are my fucking hero....' My husband's words echoing in my ears. 

I sit up still clutching the pillow, still in tears but I roll over to Nikki's side of the bed & sit on the edge, pillow now beside me & I see a picture of he & I taken on the 'Love in an Elevator' set....his hair wild & untamed, that look he's giving me in the photo....those eyes filled with love, lust & joy....my arms wrapped carefully around him. I see pictures of our children, Nikki's sketch books.... our scrap book and I find myself looking thru his bedside drawer......something telling me to look, and I find......

A letter.... addressed to me....to Jo-Jo Bear....and I bring a hand to my mouth & the tears renew themselves as I read, hearing Nikki's voice clear as day in my head.

-December 27, 1994-

To my dearest, dearest Jo-Jo Bear. My everything: Joe.

Joe,

I've felt like shit, even more so for the past month or 2. ESPECIALLY this month, the bigger I get or have gotten its harder to BREATHE. Nothing helps the pain physically at least. But my ultimate point here is: STILL, you are by my side. Still, you are doing everything you can. I can see it in your eyes, that even when you don't tell me.... You feel helpless. I want to tell you, you do EVERYTHING. despite the pain you feel seeing ME in pain, wanting to take that pain away.... Still, you are here for me. Here for all our children.

All of this, like with my pregnancy and basically being 8 months.... its scared me shitless. I have nightmares, of things going wrong and I wish they would stop. I just can't shake these feelings.... Tony, Frankie and James could really come at any time. I guess what I am trying to say is I would do this for NO ONE ELSE but YOU. There is no one I would rather have at my side than you Joe, only you.

I can never truly express what it means to me, all that you do.... the way you take care of me, of our children...the way you look at me. Every day, I wake up to you. Every night, you are the last one I see.... it's been so hard, I can't lie.... i mean it's been so hard to literally find words for a while now, in too much pain.... But you Joe? You are so in tune with me, you just know what I need.... You and I, we don't always need words.

It's strange how I thought & was told for so fucking long.... that I was trash, that I was worthless & how I believe that.... But babe, I see now that changed the instant, we literally bumped into each other. Granted it wasn't the best meeting, nor was our next, but central to my memories is YOU. Always has been & always will be you. The point here is: you tell me, you'd save me over & over? And the same for our children? Joe, as much as my past hurts....it led me to you and our family. I'd suffer 1000 lifetimes over and over, for you and our children.

I feel like I am rambling, but I must get out my thoughts here and I can hear you tell me, 'Babe you're not rambling...you're opening & THAT is a good thing.' I get the feeling if I forget this letter, I mean to give it to you.... that you Jo-Jo Bear will find it. As you always tell me, 'No matter where I'm at or what I am doing, I will find my way to you.'

Your Honeybee,

Nikki

P.S. (this will be a long one Jo-Jo Bear): I feel like a burden even though I know that shit ain't true, you've never made me feel anything less than cherished. You take care of me; you do everything, and our oldest daughter is a mini-me and I love that. Amara is your twin, and both take care of me too. So, I know Tony, James & Frankie are already amazing just like their sisters. I guess what I am saying is, I feel...fear I may not make it thru this. If something DOES happen to me Joe, I know some way, somehow, we will find our way back to each other. I love you; I love you so damn much it HURTS, remember Joe I would die for you.... for our children and that no matter what I will always be with you.

"OH NIKKI!!" I whisper choked, "NIKKI.... OH BABE...." I clutch the letter to my chest, & faintly oh so faintly I can smell Nikki's scent on it. "---I LOVE YOU.... I love you..." My cries echo.... yet too I feel: NIKKI, I FEEL him.... i DO.

The raw emotion in that letter Nikki wrote me, mere days before things went so wrong....so wrong, on the day our triplets were born, the emotion I FELT that night.... Well, I can never forget it, I never have. It was bitter-sweet....it was loving, and it was EVERYTHING. I didn't sleep that night.... when I eventually calmed down, I placed the letter in our family scrap book, and I looked thru it.... our lives, our love.... mine and Nikki's love, and our family & I felt as if Nikki was right there beside me, just like he is NOW and next you will find me back on that January night......

"Joe, that letter.... i remember that i wrote it, when you were fixing dinner.... You had Josephine and Amara with you. I just remember feeling that I had to, I had that feeling too you would find it...." I caress his cheek gently.

"I will always find you Nikki, in one form or another....and I am damned glad to still have you by myside all these years later."

"It's because of YOU that I am here Joe, that our children are."

"I love you...." I whisper, before claiming Nikki's lips once more and we're lost in one another and it feels as it always has, like the first time.

A/N: There will be A part 2 to this, stay tuned for more!