Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 119: Love Awakens Part 4 (Nikki-Perry Sixx)

"---Always Jo-Jo Bear. Always." I whisper, answering what my husband just said to me moments ago, and here we are now.... This will hurt, but I need and want to hear it. Open & Honest, always....

Joe kisses me like he hasn't kissed me in YEARS, & I give in kind.... We part for breath, and oh so carefully Joe joins me in bed after checking on our oldest & he clings to me, while being careful. I feel him tremble, and I am in much the same state & the tears.... oh, the tears, my heart breaks....

Joe takes a trembling & heavy sigh, looking at me....

"God....3 weeks ago, the 4th......I barely remember the ride to the hospital, well bits & pieces. I remember feeling helpless, sick with worry.... baby, you were hurting SO bad & then.... Then I think you asked me to stop. Nikki, I didn't realize we were close enough I guess to the hospital. You couldn't BREATHE, when I stopped.... all I know, is I saw blood.... the stain in your pants ever grow. We didn't.... didn't have a choice, it was everywhere.... I..." Joe buries his face in my shoulder sobbing, and I am doing the same. Stammering he manages to continue, "—You were SO pale, scared out of your mind, and.... then Frankie....it was HER. She was coming....my hands were slippery, she didn't cry.... Nikki, she didn't CRY. A cord was wrapped around her neck & then you closed your eyes & things happened so damn fast. They took her, took YOU & I didn't know if you or Frankie, Tony or James would be ok. I was like a doll, covered.... covered in your blood, I was out of it. I feared losing you & I nearly DID. You died, for 2 min and they brought you back. Josephine and Amara came....it was scary, so scary. But it....it broke me they told me you'd be in a coma."

Joe breaks down, body shaking from his sobs......and breaking my fucking heart....

"—Joe...J-Joe, I.... look at me...." My husband's eyes meet mine filled with such PAIN & STILL he knows/does what I want, what I need.... really what we both do, taking my hand & holding it to his face. "—I-I.... D-Don't remember.... much......just you.... looking SO scared, screaming my name....and that god awful, terrible silence. It......I saw that in my nightmares......and.... its.... It's my fault, I felt like it is. That I failed YOU....and our children, that's NOT true. But I feel like......" I take a shuddery breath, trying to find my voice and once I DO, "----It will take time for us both to move on from the guilt. But.... i KNOW YOU, you saved my life.... FRANKIE'S, Tony's, James.... You did everything you could Joe, I need you to know that and that I love YOU. You are worth ANY sacrifice; you are worth everything.... just like the five precious children we share."

"I LOVE YOU.... I LOVE YOU...." He whispers/sobs. "—I NEED to feel you..." Carefully, he holds me tighter and kisses me and then Nothing more is said for a while, we just need each other....to CALM. "---I needed that." Joe whispers, "I know you did too."

"Yes, we both needed that....and I know there is still so much more to come that will hurt, but I have YOU. And we have each other."

"Always babe, always." Joe murmurs before sighing heavily, followed by a long pause & I do NOT like the feeling I am getting and sure enough...., "Sorry, its....as if all that wasn't enough hell, for me & our oldest.... before I could even SEE you & the babies, my parents.... showed up......"

"THEY WHAT?!" I snarl silently as I can, ready to hunt down my husband's so-called parents.

"Yeah.... they DID. It was the LAST damn thing I needed or anyone needed. Especially Josephine, the look on her face...she was terrified. She saw them first and once I did, I knew it wouldn't be pretty. Amara, poor Amara was crying for Josephine, me.... she KNEW. But Nikki, I am so proud of our oldest.... She wanted to stay & help. It was like having you with me and I heard your voice in my head tell me:

'You chose me, you've never once given up on me...on ME. Joe, you're an amazing, beyond amazing husband and father. You're everything, everything a parent and a partner should be.... always remember that. and you give your so called 'parents' hell for me....'

Those words are exactly what I would have said, had I been standing there & like Joe has always said....in a way I was.

Joe sighs shakily, "They went after them.... especially poor Josephine, she blamed herself, she DOES...she almost had a bad panic attack...." Joe continues to talk about what happened after a moment of silence. Well, silent other that the sounds of our tears. "I was ANGRY, so angry Nikki......the guys had to hold me back. It hurt, God did it hurt like a motherfucker, but I gave them HELL. I almost lost you for good Nikki and then THAT happened....it killed me babe, it killed me."

"Oh Joe.... oh Jo-Jo Bear...." I am unable to find more words, but my husband is so in tune with me that he KNOWS.

"I feel you babe, I feel you...." That's my Jo-Jo Bear. God, I can't imagine.... well, I CAN. I can see it in Joe's eyes: the pain, the guilt, the fear of losing me & almost for good this time, the anger.... being so lost & scared. Most of all? I see HIM, my other half....and the love, I see & feel it...., "I warned them, I warned them not to push me & they DID. They.... Josephine saw them, roughly a week ago.... maybe a couple of days, she didn't want to tell anyone. It terrified her, it still does...." Joe pauses, looking concerned. "Nikki? I know you wanna do this, we need to. But babe, you need to rest."

"Joe..." softly, "I am.... I will, what matters right now is you are here with me. that our children are with us. We are all alive because of YOU. I am worried about you too, it kills me.... I can see the hell you've been through in your eyes. You don't have to be so strong all the time, though that's easier said than done. "I pause a moment before continuing, Joe looking at me like only HE can. That look of awe, of love, of pride. "---It's gonna take us time, all of us to heal mentally & me? Physically, it will take a hell of a long time. But Joe? I know I will have you every step of the way with me, you've fought for me...you take care of me, of our family. I'd have gone through all this for ONLY YOU. And we need to get it out there, get it all out there."

"You talk about how I save your life, and that of our children.... Nikki, I would save you all over and fucking over. But Honeybee, you saved ME. You do that every day. And I could argue our children wouldn't be here without YOU. I love you. And you're right....so right..."

Joe kisses me softly, and I get lost in him as I always DO....

We would talk more this night, talk of Joe's fears.... of him & our oldest girls trying to be brave for one another, my close call the night I gave birth & 'died' once again.... We will talk about it ALL. It would hurt, it did....and still does to this day. Where you next find us.... It will be after we get all the bad stuff out of the way, so to speak, and Joe will tell me of the special things he'd done & planned for me & our precious family.

One last thing here: this night was huge.... a big first step in healing as I have come to see it. Still there would be much healing, both physically and mentally to be done. This was merely the beginning, and it would take time, but it would happen.

A/N: Part 4 is now done. There will be part 5 soon, so stay tuned!