Author: ivebeenbamboozled
Plot:
You dump quite a bit of things into the very first chapter, and it's a long chapter at that. Now, I'm not saying it's a bad thing. But, it seems to really bog down the whole story, as it just seems to drag on about all this stuff that doesn't really stick in my mind. I don't know much about the characters or the world to really find myself involved in it. So as far as the actual plot goes I have a few ideas but it was honestly really hard for me to focus on it so I'm not going to share them.
3/5
Grammar:
There are places where you need commas and don't have them, or words that are in the wrong spot. Just a lot of little errors that editing would clean up. You also have some wording issues, that you really need to be careful about and edit. They throw off everything and make me have to do a double take sometimes.
3/5
Descriptions:
I want desccriptions!!! You don't have any, you drop little words here and there, but there isn't anything that really grabs my attention and holds on to it. I want to know what is happening!!! What does it look like? What does anything look like? Do they all have mushrooms for heads? Is the universe they live in dark all the time? The things you do describe you might want to think about elaborating on them. You don't have to write an essay for each description, but just a little more with some less generic words would make everything so much better and easier to picture in my mind.
3/5
Characters:
I don't really know what to put here. You introduced the characters; yes. But I don't feel like I know them at all, even though you spent a lot of time talking about Kai, and we got to see him with his family, I don't know. I like the addition of the dress and how he wants to look beautiful. I really appreciated that part. However, I don't have anything else to really say here.
3/5
Whatever Else I Want To Take Points Off For:
Your starting paragraph was not one that I'm overly fond of. It's your opening moment, and you really didn't steal my attention. Instead, you left me reading it over to try and grasp it. I assume you were trying to go with a mysterious theme there? But I was completely lost as there is nothing to ground me as a reader, which didn't make anything about that part resonate with me.
In the prologue, all of those really short paragraphs were driving me crazy. They really should be more than 2-3 sentences long.
This story is more jagged feeling for the most part than smooth, as there are quite a few parts that don't flow together at all. It's super important to edit your story so that it flows nicely in all places so that it's easier for the reader to follow.
2/5
Overall:
Your cover is reall cool, as are your little extra things on the chapter. I don't think I would ever spend my time finding cool things like that or actually putting effort into a cover, so good for you!
I suggest you revisit your prologue. I really do, I don't mind reading them as on occasion they really set the mood for the story and kick it off well. But, that wasn't the case with this book.
I tried really hard to read this book and focus, I found it really hard to keep reading and stay involved. There wasn't really anything in the characters or the plot that held my interest. I mean, in the first chapter you spend so long describing the castle, and then talking about it. But, that building means nothing to me because I don't even really know the main character yet or what is even happening.
But with some editing, I think you can really turn this book around for the better.
If you have any questions feel free to ask! :)
Final Score:
14/25
