Author: Rosephilips
Plot:
I didn't read enough to really get a good grasp on it. However, the prologue shows that Rose's parents were killed and that she knows who did it, which I assume will play a large role in the rest of the book. It also mentions that this is in what I assume to be a post-apocalyptic world, which is a good thing to mention. I just hope that it is elaborated on and described more in later chapters of your book.
Also, to add on the prologue itself wasn't overly interesting, a murder of parents in the eyes of a small child is a super common thing to write in a prologue. I have read plenty of these in my time, and this one blends in with all the rest. Sure it isn't set in the regular world, but with no description there is nothing that can really set it apart.
3/5
Grammar:
There are quite a few small grammar errors sprinkled around and sentences that just sound funny when you read them. I think you should go through and edit to try and pick them out to make the reading experience smoother and more enjoyable.
3/5
Descriptions:
You had basically 0 descriptions, or things that I would call descriptions at least. Sure you described blood as read and mentioned a few things in passing but you never really described things. I understand that this is from a child's POV however, it is 3rd person which gives plenty of more room for descriptions to be worked in easier. And even then there really isn't any excuse because a lot of children tend to be more detail oriented as children then adults, because things are "newer" to them. I feel like without descriptions this prologue is super bland. I felt nothing and felt like there was a portion of the story missing just because there was literally nothing for me to imagine.
1/5
Characters:
I have a lot of issues with Rose and they go along with her age and how she reacts and the holes in what you wrote. I go through all of that down below because I go carried away and I'm too lazy to bring it up here.
But, on another note I feel like no one had any personality and they could've all literally been the same person if it wasn't for the dialogue tags. Each character sounded the same (besides the child but that was simply because of the mommy and daddy that she kept putting into almost everything she said). I really feel like I got nothing out of that chapter other than that Rose's parents got shot, and that it is a post-apocalyptic world. I should've gotten more out of it, and importantly something more from the characters.
1/5
What I Hated/Thoughts:
The very first paragraph you have has no flow to it. It is super awkward, I think you should try rewording it or changing it up in some way so that it is more pleasing to read.
"Listen to me sweetheart," put a comma after sweetheart
"She knew something wasn't right. Somehow, her six year old self could sense just how frightened her parents were." Don't tell me that she can tell that her parents are scared, show me. Describe what they are doing, are the parents sweating profusely, stuttering, shaking, frowning, anything. Describe what they are doing to show the reader what is happening, just straight up telling ruins all the fun.
"Her father's still young face..." change still young to youthful, it will read better and sound a lot less awkward.
I feel like if she knows that her parent's are scared that the little girl would be reflecting their emotions like most younger kids do. Any kid that I have been around feeds off the emotions of others, and when they don't know how to react they will look to their parents or other adults. For her to be all excited about playing hide and seek and completely disregarding the fear that was pointed out earlier seems like a bit of stretch to me.
"Go and hide, honey," you need a comma after honey
The girl doesn't mention any fear at all, not once, there is no crying even though in the beginning the girl was scared and crying. And also, for me the fact that she ran back towards the scary things seems a little far fetched. I'm not a child psychologist, but I feel like in that situation your average child would just freeze. For them to run back to the scary thing is just not something that I can imagine a child doing. Even in the times where it is a murder inside the house and the child has to hide they rarely come out until after everything is over and they are found by the police or something.
You have a lot of rough sentences thrown in and such a lack of detail that I'm not interested at all. The main focus of this chapter was Rose and even she had a lot of questionable attributes.
Also, why is your user name (potentially your name?)the same as your MC's??? There are so many different names in the world, and Rose isn't that common of a name to begin with??
1/5
Overall:
I feel like you'll disagree with what I said above, and that's fine, you do you. However, this book (or at least the prologue, but generally the issues that show up in the beginning continue through the rest of the book) needs some work. I think you really need to bring more details into your story and breathe some life into it. It is dark and dreary and not in the good way that comes from setting the mood and using details. You need to give life to your characters as well, or at least make me feel something for them, especially if you're going to kill someone and it be a big part of the plot. I want to have sympathy for Rose, to actually feel my gut wrench at the death of her parents. But my cold heart doesn't have any room to feel anything for another, poor child that I have read about 1,000 times before.
Final Score:
9/25
