Author: Tinatjz
***I'm throwing away my form for this one. I have a lot of things to go over and just in general a lot to say.***
Also @author if you are sensitive or easily upset by extreme criticism prepare yourself for what is below this.
Okay?
Alright.
And remember, you signed up for this.
I'm going to be honest with you, the very instant that I clicked on the first chapter of your book I was very tempted to close it out, and not do the review. However, you did mention that you were new to writing so I want to try and make this as educational as possible and help you out. But, that doesn't mean that I am going to baby you.
I'm going to start first with the formatting in the first chapter, because that is what hit me the hardest when I first opened up the chapter. The first thing that I saw was the date: 12.03.14, which there is nothing wrong with, but from what I read I am assuming that you are starting with a diary entry? Which *sigh* I'll talk about later. After that I noticed the ' directly before the first word in the first paragraph. What the heck is that doing there? Was it a typo that you just didn't notice? Either way, it is annoying and gross, and it's just hanging out there minding its own business. Then my eyes jumped to what falls in about the middle of my screen: "I JUST POSTED MY WEDDING CARD BITCH". *insert aggressive cringe here* Okay, now what is wrong with that? First off, all caps is a huge no no, never, ever, ever, use them. Never. They are corny, cheesy and make you look like an extremely beginner writer. The other big issue that punched me in the face was...wait for it...the improper punctuation of the dialogue. Your quotation mark should not be rubbing up against that 'H' there should be a barrier in between. In other words, with your dialogue you always want to put punctuation inside the quotation, and in this case it would become: "I just posted my wedding card bitch," Sarah said. See a lot different and easier to read. But, from there that takes me to the next issue with this speaking part, and that is that it just doesn't sound right. If you break it down you are saying "I just mailed my wedding card bitch". She just sent one? So she is only inviting one person to her wedding? AND then after that why don't you change card (a boring bland word) to invitations?
So after all that it could read like this instead: "I just posted my wedding invitations bitch," Sarah shouted. Obviously, that isn't perfect but you should be able to see the difference and hear it if you read them both out loud.
Alright, I'm not even into the story yet, that was just my very first impression from literally opening it.
*cracks knuckles* Okay, now, lets get going with the good stuff.
"i wouldn't know anything about that...heh..."
Alright, so this really stands out because if you don't realize that this is a diary entry (I really hope it is because I am backing everything on that) then that is just super weird to read. I mean it is weird to begin with but the "heh" kills me. It is just so awkward and weird and makes me uncomfortable to read. However, you can argue that it isn't technically incorrect because it is a diary entry.
Also, just in general your grammar is really rough. You have so many mistakes in this first chapter and I considered correcting them but there are just too many. I suggest you find someone to help you edit and read up on general grammar rules as well. Or read actual books (as in ones that are not on wattpad) because they are a good guide for grammar and lots of other things. Honestly, reading (non wattpad) books is super beneficial for writers that are just starting out. This is because you can get a feel for how everything works together and how important different components are to creating a good story. Then on top of that as you read you can find what works and what doesn't and also what you just don't like.
You need to make a more obvious delineation between where the diary part stops and the actual writing begins because I was so confused. Also, starting with the "I JUST" part and all the way down until the OH MY GOD is the same paragraph. Which is way too long and not at all what it should be. It also makes it insanely hard to read and very confusing.
Also, for the love of all things holy capitalize your "I" it is going to kill me.
OKaaaaaaaayyyyy sooo, don't ever use this:
OH.
My.
GOD!!!
No.
You can make a point, however, do it like this if you really want to be dramatic: Oh. My. God.
Put this on its own line and then press enter and start a new paragraph.
Another thing that is super tacky and amateurish that you should not do is this: At the airport
That just looks super bad and it isn't what writing is about. You need to set the scene, and show the readers where you are, not title it and then continue writing, that is an easy way out and kinda lazy.
Ummm??? Why do they have a flight that close to her wedding? Most normal people would go out at least a week before hand and probably closer to two weeks.
You also need to work on formatting your dialogue properly in general, a new line for everything said. You did not do that and it was almost impossible to read through.
I think you should cut the main character's innner thoughts, because at least I don't want to hear every little annoying thing that she thinks. And on top of all that it makes it so creepy that she is fangirling over her friend's fiance so much. Not even boyfriend, like someone her friend is going to marry. In my mind if you are friends with someone you should NOT drool over their significant other at all. I don't care if they are the hottest walking human on Earth, thoughts about them are not allowed.
Maybe that's just me? But either way this chick sounds creepy and very stalkerish. Not to mention the douche bag that her friend is going to marry in the first place.
I'm done. I read the first chapter and that is enough for me.
What you should work on:
1. GRAMMAR!!! Learn grammar rules, all of them and then follow them. Grammar is so important because it literally is the back bones of writing because you need to format your sentences correctly. Also I know learning sounds boring, but still, if you want to write stories you need to learn grammar.
2. You need to have more descriptions and work them into your story, or at least describe something so that the reader knows where they are and what everything looks like.
3. Your characters are so extremely dry, cliche and boring. They have nothing to them. You need to make them unique, relate-able and have them act like real people. I assume that the main character is an adult? Yet her and her friend act like 12 year olds. That kind of behavior is okay for children. But adults?? Ehhhhh, I can't back it.
4. Formatting. You need to fix your paragraphs so that they read like normal paragraphs in a story. You need to make it known in the very beginning that the MC is writing a diary entry, not show it at the end.
Overall, you have a lot to work on that I didn't even touch up there. I can't even portray to you how strongly I advise reading (non wattpad) books and just consuming them. That is the fuel you need to developing your writing. And you know what else? You need to write, a lot. Practice different styles, try different things out. You can put these on wattpad if you want to, but I suggest maybe keeping them to yourself. Once you really develop your writing voice and have a solid understanding of proper grammar then you will be able to write books that will be easier ti enjoy.
I'm done rambling now. I feel like you won't take any of this into consideration, but I really hope you do.
Word count: 1,429
