Author: PinkWriter113
This is your critique. Please take everything that I say into consideration, and remember this is for your benefit, not mine. Also this starts at the first paragraph of your story and goes down in order. I usually do comments but I wanted to try a new format, so that authors can't delete the things that I have to say that they don't like.
Don't start out with dialogue. Never, ever, it's a bad habit that people get into and you need to not do it. It's another one of those super common beginning writer mistakes. It tends to put readers in an awkward place and doesn't really grab their attention. It can work, but that's usually with magical writers who are already magicians. In general though us common folk, just can't make it work.
Also what is with the weird formatting? It's all over the place in that first dialogue. Starting with an indentation and that another one part way through the speaking?
Para 2: Had they no** empathy for humanity
Para 3: Again with the weird indentation. You still haven't set the world enough for me know what is happening at this moment. Where are they? What does it look like? The reader needs descriptions, so that they can become grounded in your story.
Para 4: There is some issue with flow in this paragraph. It just doesn't work well, and feel really awkward after the paragraph before it.
Para 5: This doesn't feel right at all to read. You are suddenly throwing out heading to the battlegrounds and it is too abrupt. The reader doesn't know what is going on, you need to set up more and connect your paragraphs together.
Para 6:
Para 7:
Para 8: The reader needs description. Walking without anything is boring to write and to read. There isn't anything that has connected the reader to the world yet and that is a huge issue if you want people to stay and continue to read your book.
Para 9: What? I want to know more. And not in the good secretive way, but in the WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??? Type way
Para 10: I dooooonnnnn't understand. Context is key.
Para 11: This description feels weird with everything else seems how there really hasn't been any description yet at all.
Para 12: What the heck?? This seems out of no where as well. It doesn't mesh well with anything else and feels like something that was thrown in haphazardly.
Para 13: What does this mean??? What is the point of it???
Para 14: Why did they leave the war??? Was it simply to hear the speech? I don't understand what is going on, it is all so disjointed.
Para 15: What??????
Para 16:
Para 17: Fire burns in the snow...I hate to break it to you, but it does. You can have bonfires, and houses can burn, and I'm sure a body could too.
