Author: quiarahb
Plot:
In the beginning I really didn't have much idea what is going on. It came across as bleary and really hard to understand anything, which if that is what you're going for then good on you, but, if not then you have some work to do. I'm not going to tell you that it is wrong, because you could very well be taking your liberties as an author to make it feel like that to sort of mimic the main character.
Really this is a hard book to get into, I kept finding myself getting distracted by everything. The beginning seems to drag on forever even though it doesn't really. In a way I feel as if I'm trying to swim in sand and I'm just slowly suffocating as it's piled on top of me. I found it really boring if I'm being honest, there is nothing in this first chapter that makes me want to keep reading and find out what might happen to the main character.
I assume this is going to be a quest type novel? Or at least that was the vibe that I was getting from this chapter. Which if you are that is a classic and popular plot so that's good.
2/5
Grammar:
You don't have a lot of grammar mistakes, mainly small ones that hide here and there. Something you need to watch is sentence length and where to put commas. There are places where you should have commas but don't and vice versa.
4/5
Descriptions:
You have descriptions, they aren't beautiful and flowery and breath taking but they are perfectly functional which is perfect.
3/5
Characters:
I don't have much to say here. We didn't learn a ton about the main character, I mean kind of but nothing out of the ordinary, she seems like your average character.
3/5
Other Things That I Hate:
"Zeno rolled over, bleary-eyed and hung over, and stared up at..." This sentence is not the smooth and ideal way to start a story. The two ands come across as repetitive and annoying. Reword this sentence to alleviate this problem, which should create a smooth and gripping entrance.
The third paragraph is only two sentences long...and it isn't a short paragraph. You need to break the second sentence up into two separate sentences.
Where did "New morn" come from? In my eyes that paragraph feels as if there isn't any real purpose to it. And on top of that it doesn't flow well into the next paragraph. You need to work on rewording here to make the two flow together better and change around the word choice.
"Sotting hell!" I HATE that phrase, oh my lord. It's so close to rotting hell that when I first saw it I though it was a typo but the character has said it a couple times now and AHHHHH!!!! I have no idea what it means and there isn't any real context to it, besides that it's like someone saying "Rotten hell" or "Bloody hell" or "Fucking hell".
2/5
Overall:
This story really isn't that bad, but it could use a little bit of fixing up in some places.
Final Score:
14/25
