Author: YouThoughtRight
Plot:
I'm intrigued by it, a chick isn't assigned to a dorm with her friends because of an error in her housing application and is instead put on a wait list where she finds an all boys dorm (I mean classic, potentially cliche so whats not to like?) Also it is a very real fear as college shit is terrifying. No joke.
3.5/5
Grammar:
It's good, you have typos here and there and some questionable sentences but nothing to cry about just regular draft things. I do suggest editing, I mean obviously it's kind of a given, there isn't too much in the way of issues though.
3/5
Descriptions:
Ehh? I don't know. You have descriptions and I don't hate them, I feel like you could work on them a bit, but they aren't bad. I don't know, I'm kind of indifferent to them at the same time.
3.5/5
Characters:
Oh Heather, I don't like her at the moment. She comes off as spoiled, whiny and a brat that thinks she is entitled. I get that she is upset about the error and wants to be with her friends, however trying to get someone else that had the form filled out correctly into a different room just because she thinks she deserves to be there isn't for me to be honest. It makes me hate her.
Ben: Ew he seems like a clingy creep and I don't like him either, he freaks me out. Ewwwww. He's the kind of man that I hate. Ugh. I feel like you're making both of the characters like this on purpose though which I really hope.
Honestly, I'm glad you're consistent with the friend group because everyone seems stuck up and annoying which I like.
4/5
What I Hated/General Thoughts:
In the very first paragraph:
"...with my four best friends. Because nothing could be better about going to university than being there with people you've spent your entire life with."
To me it just doesn't read right, I think it could be the way that it is worded, though there isn't anything specifically wrong with it. I've read it in my head and out loud like a crazy person and there's just something that I can't find. I don't know, maybe I'm really rusty, but still it's off.
What's "twinkle white bed" mean? I'm confused XD
The second paragraph comes off as wordy. My first thought after not having read very much is to cut out the part where you mention the grandparents in Spain, but if that's important then leave it and work on rewording and making it more concise and shaping it up.
This could be argued but "A freaking...waitlist." ruins the emphasis for me. Just leave it "A freaking waitlist." and without the ellipses it just seems more important and leaves a mark on me.
Paragraph 6 just reads like a mess to me, it was hard to understand what you were trying to say at first. I get that his emotions are supposed to be jumbled and all over the place but you can still show this without writing a paragraph that makes me anxious to read.
I want to voice one last issue with the prologue before I read on. I feel like it is something that could be elaborated on and made into a first chapter or tossed out to begin with. I have mixed emotions on prologues, they're either great or they make me want to jump off a bridge. I feel like this one isn't needed, and I also feel like your writing could be better show cased in a different manner. The information and story that you are telling here is very important, I just don't think it should be a prologue, I think it could be more.
Alright, now with reading the beginning of chapter one I REALLY think you should combine the two and work them together. As the start to chapter one is something that turns me off, starting with dialogue, especially for the very first chapter is ehhhh, it's also something that goes directly into the prologue so I feel like they belong together.
3/5
Overall:
Honestly, not a bad start, it does need some editing and clarification in some places but there is a solid back-bone here. I really think you can build off of it and make it into something that a lot of people will really like to read.
Final Score:
17/25
I'm back with reviewing! So, please request some books for me to read because I have a lot of things to procrastinate right now and I want the distraction!
