Author: VioletSun5
Plot:
I think that it should be interesting. Your spin on winged creatures is a lot different than the ones that I have read before where there are a lot of things that are similar, and it appears that you have put a lot of thought and effort into this which is always a good thing. It has me hooked and I want to read more to find out what happens.
4/5
Grammar:
There are a few potential typos here and there but nothing that really attacks me as incorrect or overly wrong. It's just your average grammar, nothing too insane.
3/5
Descriptions:
I LOVE YOUR GORE DESCRIPTIONS! They make me sooooo happy because they are so good. There isn't anything that I would change about them or any of your other descriptions. They are the kind that I like, short and to the point but with a little bit of fluff to make them nice to read.
4/5
Characters:
Wren.
I feel like she is on the very edge of being another boring character that I don't give a shit about and being one that I kind of have opinions about. She has a personality, it is there, but it is only a super faint glimmer at times. One that I feel is easy to ignore. However, at the same time I feel like if she was anymore she would be annoying, so I'm torn on this. I think you could probably do more to make her more pronounced, but also don't because then she might be too much. Ugh, I really don't know though, I'm so torn.
Armand.
I don't like him. He gives me the minor creeps and he just comes off as someone that would do bad things in a creepy, spooky way. I'm not a fan. He's just almost too nice and too good of a friend. I feel like anyone like that is up to no good and will probably ruin everything or turn out to be evil in the end. I just don't like him. I like Rannok better and that guy is also mildly annoying.
3/5
What I Hated/Thoughts:
The second sentence is long and dragging and for whatever reason the cot part took me by surprise. Don't ask me why because I have no idea, but it just did. But, I think if you shortened/trimmed/revamped the second sentence the one that follows "The man aboard it did not move" would have a larger impact, because the reader would already be ready to go instead of having to weave through the sentence before it and then it would have more of a BAM kind of hit to the reader.
"Tales about children whose backs parted, then sprayed blood before the wings sprouted."
The end of the sentence kills me. It goes from oooh yess I'm all in and then it sounded like you got lazy? It just doesn't sound right to me and makes me mad because who doesn't love a child with a back that splits open, but then you throw it out the window with the way the second half is written.
"But not for real."
I feel like this should be a tad bit shadier, I think if you worded it differently it would hit me harder and really be like oh shit what is Armand hiding from our MC??
I love your gore descriptions, they make me so happy.
Get rid of "She needed to get home." Obviously she does, she just said her parents would ask awkward questions if she got home after they do, so I feel like it becomes redundant and annoying.
"Back to her parents' tent. No stops along the way." I want to hate this, and I kind of do, but I don't think I hate it all the way? For whatever reason it works and that annoys me too, so I guess there really isn't anything wrong but ehhhhh.
"...if he wasn't already dead, along with the rest of the men who had wings"
I feel like you should toss out the rest of the sentence after the comma, you've mentioned it before and it reads as redundant. As a reader I remember very clearly the last few times you've said it.
"They'd ask her questions, if they'd heard, about why the man has been brought through their side of the caravan, and not back around toward the guards tents."
I feel like the beginning to this has a typo? It reads in a way that doesn't make sense to me, because I assume that it is talking about how her parents would ask her questions about whether she had heard about or seen the man that went through town.
Chapter Two.
I don't know, you really had me going until she spills the secret that we literally just learned exists. It just seems rushed, or in the very least thrown in there too haphazardly. I know there is a fine line between dragging something out and doing it too soon but I felt like this was sudden. Or it could be the way that it was written that makes it seem annoyingly sudden.
I kept reading and don't have anything else to say XD
I want to read more later but I have shit to do now so I'm going to stop.
3/5
Overall:
I feel like the things you need to work on are the same things that a lot of people need to work on. Just the simple changing/weeding out of certain sentences, the potential disconnect between reader and character (this only applies to Wren) and just occasional issues with the flow of sentences. There isn't anything too horrible about it, and it's a book that as I read more of it I will become even more invested in.
Final Score:
17/25
