Author: MrSanguine
Plot:
Ehh. This goes from dragging, then holds on to a promise of a fight and then drags again. And I mean really drags. The plot itself though does promise to be interesting, but it isn't fast paced enough for me.
2/5
Grammar:
Congrats. You probably already know you have good grammar and I doubt I need to tell you.
5/5
Descriptions:
Meh. You have them, and some of them are good enough for me, but at the same time they're just boring? They aren't the kind that really make the story blossom, they're more of a background singer that occasionally hits the right notes. I think you have the potential to do better.
3/5
Characters:
He's fine, I guess. He isn't the worst character I've ever read, but, at the same time he is far from the best. I do appreciate how much you throw things in that build his character without saying it, so good for you.
3/5
What I Hated:
"It's a few minutes past 10:00 P.M. The wind and rain are partners in crime, and I grumble as the droplets pepper my cornrows. Pulling my hood up, the raindrops pelt my hoodie. Tonight's shitty weather is textbook for danger."
In my eyes this isn't the most gripping way to start the first chapter. There isn't anything in it that really grabs my attention, except the very last line, but that's after everything else. I feel like it was a waste of my time to read about him putting up his hood and then mentioning that the raindrops now pelt that instead. Last I checked that's how raindrops and clothing work... And to really start it all off the very first line, where it mentions the time and then how that goes into the next sentence doesn't work for me. It's a really jagged way to start it out, reading it in my head, and out loud there isn't any flow to it. I think you might benefit from restructuring this paragraph, and adding more to it and taking things out. I'm a sucker for description, so, instead of telling the time give the readers a general idea of what the time is. It doesn't have to be spot on, but a description is a lot more powerful then shoving a time in the reader's face. Then the very last sentence, though it is interesting, I feel like it doesn't connect well with the sentence before it. You talk about the hood and then you mention danger. There isn't anything that holds those two together, leaving it more on the choppy side of things.
In the second paragraph you mention pulling up that damn hood again. Also where did the mini character rant about homeless people come from? It threw me off a bit, though, at least it does connect with garbage, better then a hood and danger.
I just felt like the third paragraph wasn't super useful? I mean it gave more insight into the character, but at the same time I don't feel like it did anything for the plot? At least in the second paragraph the heroin needles and garbage set the scene, where as him seeing a food truck, thinking about food, thinking about money, deciding against getting any and then going into an alley. An...abandoned alley. I don't know about you, but personally I imagine most alleyway's as abandoned. Of course, sometimes you find good real estate in alleys.
