Author: KatsandAngel
Alright so, critique mode activated, this is going to be in order of paragraphs, to make it less confusing.
1: "that didn't matter because she was evil." This is just not fun to read, you don't want to give things like this away, or at least don't word it like that. It sounds super childish and just really anti climatic.
Again don't tell me, you write that her face was "twisted in a grotesque expression of fear, rage, and pain". I would like to know what that looks like. I mean, besides the fact that generally speaking a deceased human cannot portray those things on their face, because science, but, even if they aren't human you're still telling instead of showing me.
"Her face was still twisted into a grotesque expression of fear and rage and pain; she had cursed him to her very last breath, wishing him a most gruesome demise as she bled out, her dark blood staining the pale floor."
Do you notice anything wrong with that sentence??? First off, you have way too many and's during your description, it should be more like this instead "fear, rage and pain." (Period, make that first part a sentence and end it) Honestly the last half is sloppy and I don't feel like fixing it and I don't even feel like it's needed at all, it doesn't give me anything.
2: This is just awkward.
3: "blood that splattered his face" take out on
Again you don't describe anything, don't tell me she was beautiful show me. Also, I hate that this character decides to mention that she isn't pretty though because she's terrified. That's so trivial and useless? I don't understand the purpose of that comment.
4: Just the woman? Not the mysterious other figure that is supposed to be right next to her that suddenly no longer exists?
5: Okay, listen. You can't say "two figure huddled in the corner" and then make that into a woman and her child. Who, might I add, wasn't described as holding a child until he got close to her. I feel like that would be an obvious thing for the character to see.
6: Dialogue grammar dude, you need to do some research!
7: Who is the girl? I'm confused.
Alright this is too much for me. I have a lot to add so just listen up.
Most of your issues are with sentence structure and other mistakes or issues that can be taken care of with editing and should be simple. However, there is a lot to this prologue that needs work, like serious work. First off I almost appreciated the fact that you didn't give away why the character is killing them. But, and this is a huge but, I felt like it was lacking. You didn't give the character any real drive to kill. It was like of they evil, and only when it was easier to move along the plot, that's it. If you have such a hatred for them it would drive every thing that he does and even affect how he thinks and views them. That's just how hatred works. Calling them evil a couple of times just doesn't do it.
Also, the baby killing part. Hmm, I don't know how I feel about it, I think you could write it better. With how I read it, it just came across as boring and just random. Yet, you enjoy throwing minimal gore in (and weak boring not very realistic gore at that). I don't know there was just something with how you wrote it that was just ew.
Anyways, that's about all I want to talk about and read, so, I really suggest re-reading and editing your work.
