Author: NancyMoore9
I am not using my actual form for this review, I don't feel like you would get anything out of it. To start with I want you to stop right now and take a deep breath. A good steady inhale through your mouth and long exhale through your nose. What lays beyond this is probably going to sting a little. I tried my hardest to be as gentle as I could about what I have to say, but I'm not a miracle worker. I have the feeling the you are a young writer and I do not want to discourage you. This is constructive and meant to help you with your writing, not tear you to shreds and leave you bleeding on the sidewalk. Now, with that said continue on and read what is beyond this, and keep an open mind.
Faith
For starters you do not want to start off a book this way. The description of the main character and then the fact that the first chapter isn't in the POV of the character, instead it is in the voice of a random narrator. This should be avoided at all costs. It is a trademark of a young or inexperienced writer, and isn't something the bodes well for the rest of any story. Now, your description itself isn't that bad, you use some good descriptive words and stray from being super cliche, which is good. But, as I mentioned above this description doesn't belong there. I think that if you use the technique you are showing here, just a little differently in other parts of your story you'll be well off. Another issue is that you shouldn't describe your main character in such detail. It is really good to only drop subtle hints here and there throughout your story. Such as saying she shoves strands of her brown hair from her face, or her green eyes flicked to his yellow ones. These are subtle hints, but not constricting enough that they take away from the story. And anyways what your character looks like shouldn't be a super important part of the story.
I want to know why Daisy is bolded. It's weird and doesn't really make sense at all. It is something that I really suggest you change. After that you continue on to give away Daisy's personality. Don't do that. It's another thing that should be gradually built over time. There isn't any fun in it for the reader if you give everything away. Everything you do in a story should be a slow and steady build up.
Then you spiral off into the very detailed description of her house, which isn't something that you should do. I love descriptions, but there should be a limit, especially when it does nothing to further the plot and is only there to increase the word count. Honestly, it isn't needed at all. And like I said, a little bit here and there goes a long way.
"Daisy! Dress up for the meeting" Her mothers, sharp, annoyed voice came from the kitchen.
What are you trying to say here? I think you meant "Get dressed", but for her to say dress up for the meeting doesn't really make sense to me. It's confusing and not the correct use of English. Another issue is your grammar: "Daisy! Get dressed," her mother's sharp voice shouted from the kitchen.
I think you'll be able to spot what I changed there. The same goes for the rest of your grammar surrounding dialogue, it's a bit off and the speaking doesn't sound very realistic. Besides that you do have a lot of grammar issues, that are simple easy things that should be fixed via a quick edit. I also think that you should take a moment and revise the flow of the story as well. Your writing should blend together nicely from sentence to sentence rather than being choppy with no true rhythm. Besides the grammar and the excessive description that's another big issue I have with this story. All of these things together makes it super hard to read and get into it. Which is the goal of any story is to have people that enjoy your book, but it should also be a goal to have quality work.
I didn't go through your whole chapter, however, I did skim over the rest of it. And the reason I didn't continue is that the same issues carry all the way through. I think that you really need to weed through your story and decide what you want and how you want to write it. I also think you should try and edit this, especially seems how it is the only chapter of the story that you have up, and you should fix what you have before you continue.
I realize now that by saying it is in the narrator's POV you meant that you are writing in third person, which makes sense, but the way you worded it made me think you were just going to write like that for only the first chapter. Which I hope you aren't going to, consistency is key.
Finally, if you have any questions please ask! I know I didn't rate your book or do a normal review, but trust me, you don't want it. And if you really want me to destroy your story, you can ask again and I'll put this into the form, and give you a score. But I really, really don't suggest it. It'll be ruthless to say the least.
