Author: porxtal
Plot:
I do believe that this is a romance story, between the boy and the girl in the beginning. Just because that is natural and those are the vibes that that beginning gives me, especially with all the hints at how much they like each other even as children. However, I do think the betrayal will put a knot in that, as will a war and something else (my assumptions anyways). But, in a slow and beating around the bush type way, I believe that this story is about them and their eventual romance and ending up together.
Other than that this book really isn't for me, and for that reason. Also, I'm not a huge fan of your writing style (see below for more explanation on that). And, on top of that for whatever reason I'm just not sold on this story, it seems a little flat, or lacking passion? I don't know how to say it. There is just something about the different things that happen in the second chapter (labeled chapter one) that don't work for me.
3/5
Grammar:
Your grammar is fine. There are a few issues peppered throughout that are annoying. It really needs edited as they are just simple mistakes that can be found easily. Another thing is that your dialogue grammar isn't consistent, near the end of the second chapter I read you made a few mistakes after being fairly good with it.
3/5
Descriptions:
I'm not a fan of your style of describing things, but it does happen, so good for you. The way you describe things is either super common, like the way I have seen in so many books, or so far out that it doesn't work well in the story line. Maybe consider shaking up how you describe things, or keep it the same, it doesn't matter too much.
3/5
Characters:
I'm going to go off of what I read in the second chapter, just because the first one doesn't do much to expose the true personality of the female main character. I find her very, very, very 2D, like she got ran over by an entire herd of reindeer and is pancaked onto the street. There isn't much to her, she hates her father (for an obvious reason) and I feel like that's about it (I know there is more to her than that but that's how it comes across). She also goes from hating her father and seemingly terrified of him, to going against what he wants with an almost carefree way? I don't know, I'm just not a fan of her character.
2/5
Other Things I Hated:
I almost really like your writing style, but it falls a bit flat for me. Yes, you write beautiful things, but you don't sell me on them. In the very first chapter of the book (Before| The Boy and the Girl) your writing style is flowery, but it seems cramped in places and for whatever reason it doesn't seem like you meant it? I know that sounds weird, and I don't know how to explain it, but it reads as kind of forced in places. Like you're assuming a writing style, or forcing one that isn't entirely yours. It could also just be the fact that editing needs to happen, but I don't know there's just something about it that doesn't seem quite right to me. Now, that I have read on to the second chapter (Chapter One| Envy Till Death) I felt as if the way you wrote this chapter is entirely different from the fist one. I usually don't read two chapters, as I only review the very first chapter in a book, but, I was curious. To me this second chapter is a lot less flowery, and instead right to business. Also, the first chapter comes across as more professional in a way (even though I hate it), whereas the second chapter comes across as childish. There are a few times when a little bit of the first chapter seeps in, however, they really aren't anything alike, which I find confusing.
The abuse portion doesn't feel real enough for me. You don't sell it with your writing to the fullest extent. A lot of writers use that in their stories, and very few can pull it off properly, many authors make it seem like a last minute addition. Yours isn't the worst I've come across, however, it could be woven into the story a lot better.
2/5
Overall:
Your story does need a little bit of work, however, you do have a strong start and can easily turn this around and make it a lot better!
And, besides your story, you get a high five for being a horse lover/rider.
Final Score:
13/25
