Author: apenforoyin
Plot:
There isn't much in the way of plot in the first chapter. I mean there are the arguing parents and the love interest, but that's it. I didn't pick up on anything else, and really I don't think this story is one for me. It comes across as bland and pretty simple. I assume it's just a love story about the OTP and how they'll have issues and then end with a happily ever after.
2/5
Grammar:
Dialogue grammar is something you should look up. Below is a short guide that isn't perfect, but at the very least should get you by.
Incorrect: "Where are you going?" Her brother Gabriel asked
Correct: "Where are you going?" her brother Gabriel asked
Incorrect: "Hey." He said
Correct: "Hey," he said
Incorrect: "I'm home!" she slammed the door shut
Correct: "I'm home!" She slammed the door shut
Your commas directly outside the quotation marks are going to drive me crazy *screams*, but seriously punctuation goes INSIDE the quotation marks!!!!!!!!
You have a lot of little annoying mistakes scattered throughout, especially in the second half of the first chapter. They should be easy fixes, but they need changed.
2/5
Descriptions:
There really weren't any that I remember seeing, which is an issue. Descriptions are super important, and it doesn't matter if you don't have a bunch, you just have to have the right kind and you don't really have any. To put it simply descriptions are a big portion of what can make or break a story. You should have some so that you can involve the readers and keep them interested. Without them it just leaves your book as flavorless and boring.
2/5
Characters:
They're bland, they don't really have any livelyness to them and they're just whatever. You could do a lot to develop their characters and add traits to them, so that they stand out. But, no matter what characters are super important in any story as they bring life to it and they are a huge part of what happens.
2/5
What I Hated The Most:
Personally I am not a fan of long inner monologue type beginnings to the first chapter of a story. They're boring to me, because I couldn't give a shit about the characters and what they are doing yet. The setting up the story you do here seems extra long and grueling to me, which is just ugh.
The punctuation with the dialogue.
The ehh plot
2/5
Overall:
You have a lot to work on with this book to make it better. I do believe that you have a decent base to start with, but you need to fix a few things to really make this a story that stand out.
Final Score:
10/25
