Author: PinkCottonClouds
Plot:
I'm really confused with what is happening in this story and not in a good way. I have so many questions and generally don't have a decent understanding of what is happening to grasp the story line. At the very surface it seems like a story about a little boy trapped in a hospital room (that might not be an actual hospital) with voices that speak to him out of a black box, and give him things he wants.
2/5
Grammar:
"The words of the made up story was comprehendible to a certain degree for the young boy. The visuals he thought of within his mind was enough to cause a hint of the twitching of his lips. Yet, the more he thought about it, the more that he wanted to see if it was as true as the story was. He finally fluttered his eyes open, staring at the white walls of his hospital room. Rooms weren't suppose to be this white yet such colors had eluded his mind for more than a few months when the doctors were given note of this, they refused to paint the room unless he could somehow make his own colors."
Okay, so, I had to read this over a few times to really wade through and figure out what is happening in it. There was something that just seemed off yet I couldn't figure out what it was. I did, at least I think so, and in order for me to really get a hold of it I'm going to reword and edit some of it. I'll put the things I changed in bold. This is just a way for me to organize my thoughts and try to help you out.
To the young boy the words were mostly comprehensible, or at least enough so that he isn't confused by them. He crafts the visuals in his mind, allowing them to expand into something more realistic. It is enough to cause his lips to twitch, leaning more towards a smile then the straight line he normally wears. Yet, the more he thinks of it, the more he wants to see if it is true. Finally, his eyes flutter open, staring at the white walls of his hospital room. It is a white that he has been staring at for months, now that colors elude his mind.
Obviously that isn't perfect, but, you get the point? I still don't know how to say what is wrong with that paragraph but it just doesn't read right. I think part of the reason might be the conflicting tenses, as you switch between present and past tense, or just the wording of the sentences as it goes throughout the whole first chapter.
Besides that you do some errors scattered through this story that need to be cleaned up.
1/5
Descriptions:
You do have a couple descriptions thrown in, however, it isn't enough for me. I still feel kind of stranded in your book, and as if someone has put up a shield that keeps me from feeling close to the environment and the character. Add more, and about more important things and you'll be a lot better off.
2/5
Characters:
Meh. There isn't much there personality wise. I can see that you are trying to give the little boy personality and make him seem like he is little and innocent, but something about it is off. You can write about children and make them sound childish, and pull it off, but it isn't working here. I think it has something to do with the issues I have with your writing. But, besides that the character doesn't have much in the way of personality at all and is pretty flat.
2/5
Other Things I Hated:
I was so confused when I started reading the chapter named Room 102 because I though that it was the beginning of the story. Then I realized it wasn't. I think you should make it a bit more obvious that it is an author's note, just as to not confuse people like me.
You start your story out with a bit of dialogue (that isn't exactly dialogue, but is close enough to be grouped in)...that is something that doesn't work for a few reasons, and a lot of people have issues with. I am one of those people. If you want to know more about it just google it, lots of sites will pop up that will gladly elaborate for you.
Your writing doesn't flow, it's blocky, hard to read and catches a lot. I want something more smooth and flowy instead.
2/5
Overall:
You have a lot of things to work on, and more specifically tuning your grammar and writing. That is what threw off most of the story, and kept it from being easily understood. If you would like any help feel free to ask!!
Final Score:
9/25
