Author: PinkCottonClouds
Seems how this isn't exactly in a normal story format I'm going to write down my thoughts and the issues I have with it and then rate it at the end.
I. My first thoughts are that this isn't cheesy but it could be, so good for you. Then right after that I have an issue with the format, I can't tell if it's supposed to be a poem that isn't in normal poem format? Or it is and it just doesn't look like it? Then next in line is the "you truly have my day as bright as the sun" I think you have a typo with have? I think you meant make.
II. What???? "I'm still stuck on trying to have you as beautiful as the night sky?" What the heck is this person talking about here? Then directly after that is "Are you sure I bright up your day?", which I assume you mean brighten. Following that is "I'm nothing but the enemy for you, am I not?" the wording of that seems a bit off to me. I'm nothing but the enemy for you, doesn't really make sense, it's weird.
III. You need a comma after poetry, at least I think that's the best spot for it, you could do it after the or, but I don't know how well that would work. Also, what does not being judged for his feelings on paper have to do with this person being good at poetry? Is it because he feels free? I think look would be better if you put it in italics instead, that way it isn't as offensive to the eye, but still gets the point across. I'm having a hard time getting into this because of the small errors that are driving me crazy, especially because there isn't much around for them to hide in. You need a comma before but, or after but, it's your choice, but you need it. (So many buts!)
IV. The first thing that I can relate to ("You're always so weird with your words,") but I mean so is she so it can go both ways. Okay, now this one is where things are actually happening and connecting stuff. The gender's are revealed, at least in that the other is a boy and D.W might be a girl...maybe but I don't want to assume gender. And I assume they're in different social circles in school. Which goes along with enemies and D.W calling the other a radiant being and a pretty boy, while potentially comparing their own group to scum, which I assume is what DW believes the other person thinks. I hate this one less then the others I've read so far.
V. Ugh. I don't like this one. There aren't very many errors in it, but still, there's just something about it that pushes me back out again, after the last one pulled me in. Meh.
VI. OOOOOOHHHH two guys!!!! Yay! I want a relationship. Even though I hate both of them. Then cue my disappointment...the way this is written really doesn't make much sense, it sounds like a fart. "Listen, I do believe that you should stay away from me now. These letters are getting frequent and I don't like that." This section specifically. What happened??? You were doing goodish and then you gave up. Read it out loud to yourself, does it sound correct? It sounds ridiculous to me, it's a mix of old fashion with not old fashion, and then ended as abruptly as can be. And also, why is he saying to "stay away from him"? As far as what has been written they haven't been near each other, just written letters? And if he had such an issue why write back in the first place. I also wouldn't really call it a letter, they're more or less notes. Then "I don't like that" that sounds like something a child would say while crossing their arms and stomping their feet. Just after you've tried to set up a more professional attitude.
VII. A.L has some bad indigestion, he needs some tums, they take care of the blazing fire! "his supposed room" what does that mean? It either is his room or isn't. At least that's how I thought it worked. This one is still just another ehhhh one. There are a few grammatical errors that I'm not going to point out or fix because, gah, and then what he writes back is just whatever as well.
VIII. Now that it's long I'm going to stop reviewing.
Final:
This isn't my kind of thing, or, well it could be, but the way it is written doesn't make it my kind of thing. For having such short little paragraphs there are too many mistakes. When you are writing a full length chapter little mistakes are less detrimental because they can blend in and are a bit less obvious. But, when you have so many few words to begin with and then so many mistakes on top of that it really detracts and distracts from the reading. I think you need to clean this up a lot.
Score:
3.5/10
