Author: YouThoughtRight
This is going to be in my critique format which means I will go paragraph by paragraph, starting with your prologue.
1: Alright, just some dialogue. From the looks of it the majority seems to be dialogue, but I won't knock it just yet.
2: "...rest of us couldn't!" he won't stop yelling. Take "He" and put it as lowercase as it is a dialogue tag.
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4: I want to point out here that I as the reader have no idea who is talking at all. The only tag we have gotten is he, and I assume there are only two people talking here but that isn't clear, honestly nothing is. It is a little hard to follow, but I do want to commend you on dialogue that sounds very realistic.
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6: I'm wondering about the wording for the last bit of dialogue here. The last sentence starting with "Anyone", there isn't anything wrong with it, I just think that could instead of "would" might sound better. I feel like saying could here, would have more of an impact. Just, because it's a less demanding word and leaves the possibility that there are people that wouldn't make that mistake. Just a thought though.
7: Alright now you're losing me a bit. The dialogue here sounds stuffier, and more posh then what is above. Something about the wording just puts me off.
8: Well here we have another name, Thalia. She is the person that I assume they are arguing over? And Andre I believe is the "more responsible" sounding one? The one who is bashing the other guy for neglecting Thalia in some way? It's hard to keep track of.
9: Try wording it this way instead "But, you cannot say that you were focused on the task given to us. Given to you."
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11: Wooo!!! We have some more information now!!! Andre is the responsible one, and I assume Thalia is the one that is dying.
12: I don't like how you put "Another voice", it just sounds so awkward and weird. I suggest changing it some how.
13: "The way our bodies begin* bumping and swaying in the back seat vaguely lets me know that we've forsaken the beaten path and are making our way through the forest." I don't know how to reword this exactly, but it needs to be broken up and combined with the sentence after it.
14: "... did she injest?" the voice of a feather.
15: I don't know who Kane is. Maybe he was the one that got Thalia into the mess because he wasn't watching her?
16: Are you referring to the feather as in the voice and it's fracturing? Or is it a literal feather now? If it's the voice then you need to chop "The" and make the t lowercase.
17: Don't know who Lincoln is either. He's new.
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25: Again with the feather, is it a voice or real. The same goes for above, if it is the voice, make the t lowercase, if it is real leave it.
26: So Celine is the feather I assume? You need to watch out for run-ons I'm not going to correct them, but these are really long sentences. I think you should be careful and consider chopping them up a bit.
27: Get rid of the above all, it doesn't add anything. Again with the long sentences, I don't want to be a hippocrit because I do it all the time, but just be careful with them.
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31: Oooh I really think that Andre likes Thalia. I kind of want her to die though just because that's more entertaining.
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33: Take "My" and make it lowercase.
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As much as I was prepared to hate this because holy fucking dialogue, I don't. I actually plan on reading the next chapter because I'm curious and your writing isn't shit. There really aren't that many mistakes just simple little ones. And, I also want to say that I understand the reason for all of the dialogue. This chick is poisoned and slowly dying, she isn't going to be taking her time describing things and narrating, she's going to be listening to the group of people arguing because that is all that she can really do. Good job.
