Author: copyedit
Plot:
It's interesting, I can't deny that, despite the hiccups I honestly found myself enjoying what I was reading. There is a lot that I want to find out and that keeps me interested enough that I really do want to find out what happens and how it happens. I really like how you're setting it up and it seems like you're taking your time, which I appreciate as well.
4/5
Grammar:
This isn't really your grammar that is the problem. There are just a lot of simple mistakes and a couple typos and other weird things scattered around. They're the kind that just needs a good cleaning and they'll be fixed.
3/5
Descriptions:
You have simple descriptions but they aren't basic. I like them and I feel like they fit this story well and serve a good purpose. So, I'm not mad at them at all.
4/5
Characters:
Trick: I love how you build up his character, showcasing how he doesn't want to hurt people but then displaying the reason why he has to which is nice. I also like his character in the little ways that you show case his personality and let the reader build up what they think of them.
Mave: Ugh, I love him too. He's my favorite kind of character, the annoying, somewhat trouble maker that is smart and is just needed in most stories IMO. You do a really good job bringing his character to light.
I really enjoyed reading your characters, they're fun and entertaining and make this story so much more enjoyable to read, they really bring it up a notch.
5/5
What I Hated/Thoughts:
I think you should reconstruct/ditch your first two paragraphs, they border on info dumping and don't really get me excited for the story. They read a lot like a synopsis would or information leading up to the story. I don't think they have a place in the first chapter or anywhere honestly, you should work some of those important details into your story and let the reader piece together the story.
"A draft howls in the metal rafters and sends shivers down my spine. Experiments are packed into the cafeteria, everyone eats at the same time and it gets crowded." Throw that <--- out, like right now. It doesn't help your story at all, it's confusing and doesn't read well.
From this:
"Sorry, I mean their second week. Their first week is spent locked in lightless cells and being run through strings of functionality tests and sanitizations, and if they're especially unlucky, they begin the procedures towards transformation. Pasty can't have been experimented on yet though; he still looks sane."
To:
"Sorry, I mean their second week. Their first week is spent locked in a dark, damp cell, while suffering through decontamination and numerous functionality tests. Then, if they're unlucky they begin the grueling transformation procedures. There is no way that Pasty had been experimented on; he still looks sane." Obviously, that isn't perfect so you can feel free to write it however you please, I just wanted to show you that you need to change it and that it is possible to do while keeping the general message of the paragraph.
Wheresville???
3/5
Overall:
This is honestly quite enjoyable. I want to/plan to read more of it at some point because I found myself getting into it as I read. It is in no way perfect and needs editing, but there isn't anything that needs edited right now that would really affect anything. BESIDES those first two paragraphs, dude those need to go pronto!!!!!! Like seriously get those out of there and then I wouldn't have had any doubts when starting your story.
Final Score:
19/25
