Author: RKane99
Plot:
This is dry. All I can think about is how slow and boring this is. Yes, boring can be fine, boring doesn't even have to be dry, but yours is. It reads like the many fantasy novels that I have picked up off the shelf, read the first page and then put back. This isn't something I can get into. The long inner monologue where only a few things are truly important to me. There is action in the story. But, it is not the good kind. It is still boring. And that is because to me, in that moment I couldn't give a rat's ass about any of the characters. It is just like watching a simple street fight on the sidewalk. You step around it, throw a few glances and continue on because you don't care.
Now I know I said that your story is slow and boring (which it is), but you still rushed your plot at the same time. The reveal of the chick being an assassin and then the dramatic fight just doesn't do it for me, at all. It is too soon, way too soon. You need to set up a more stable background and make me give a shit about your characters first. You don't want to dump things, you want to build up to them slowly.
I also did not read the whole chapter, partially because it is SO long, and also because I just couldn't take it any longer.
1/5
Grammar:
Commas where you at? Sometimes you use them, sometimes you don't. Watch out for this, as a good portion of your sentences are long. Honestly, your grammar is the strongest point of this story. It isn't perfect, and could use a little cleaning up, but it isn't bad. I have seen much worse.
3/5
Descriptions:
You need more description. You have some vague, potentially descriptive words here and there but as a reader I need more. I want something to work with while envisioning the world, the character and everything that is going on around him. The way you describe things is more on the boring, safe, and annoyingly classic side *dramatic coughing* raven-hair with emerald eyes *extremely dramatic coughing*.
2/5
Characters:
"Oh Eric," I say bitterly, lip curling in disgust.
I hate him. I'm just going to come right out and say it. Is there something wrong with him?
No.
I just hate him. He is the character that tends to pop up in a lot of novels, sometimes as the main character and other times as a side character. Erics are easier to handle as a side character, but as a main character, they make me want to pound my head into a wall. They tend to be quick to things, they want to protect everyone because they just have to (there wouldn't be a story if they didn't). They like to be a little bit dense at times, and also charming on occasion. And they can usually do everything. I also picture this Eric as roughly twelve years old, with a wooden stick.
Chick with black hair: all I have to say is that I picture her as a whiny ten year old. She sounds like a brat mixed with an under developed easy character.
1/5
Other Things I Hate:
I said it up there and I'm going to say it down here too. This is SO dry and boring. I can't take it. You have something interesting underneath, but I do not have the attention span to read this whole book (if it was finished).
The girl with the raven-hair and the emerald eyes.
STOP TELLING ME!!! Just show me god damn it! Don't tell me that she has been running for a long time after you describe the rips in her clothing. DO NOT tell me that she was possibly wondering if he was leading her into a trap AFTER you tell me that she looked at him suspiciously.
Eric.
1/5
Overall:
This is a very harsh review and I didn't like much of what I read. But, don't let this discourage you. Your story is horrible (in my opinion anyways), however, your writing skills themselves have the potential to back up a good story. I suggest you revise this novel, or create a new one, where you focus on more important things and develop it correctly. It can be tedious, but, with your writing skills you are have way there, you just need to get the correct things story wise down on the page.
Final Score:
8/25
