Author: TheScarletNorthTeam
Plot:
I don't know what is going on and I don't like it. Someone wakes up to start off the story, a chick walks into a random room, a bell rings and then he has to go or else he'll get lashes. There isn't enough direction in the plot to really allow me to get a grip on what is happening. Yes it is the first chapter, and you don't want to dump details, but you are being too stingy with them, which makes it hard to read.
1/5
Grammar:
"Sorry, wrong door." She slammed the door
That up there is the corrected version of what you have in your story, I suggest you fix it.
You have other issues scattered through out, like missing commas or missing words, and that makes it hard to understand some of what you are writing.
3/5
Descriptions:
Ehh, I kind of hate them. They are trying too hard to be eloquent and whimsical and instead they're annoying and way over the top. It feels like we're stalling, and most of the chapter is either description or dialogue, with that small bit of inner monologue. It's not a good mix. You want even amounts of narration, some description, and maybe some inner monologue.
2/5
Characters:
The character is super boring and flat. He doesn't seem to have much in the way of a personality, and is just meh. I don't even think I have anything to really write about him because there really wasn't much to read.
1/5
What I Hated:
Usually when a chapter starts out with the "Name POV" it doesn't speak well for what is after it. There's just something about it that's super off putting. I suggest you put the name in bold on the very first line, then start a new paragraph and begin writing. It looks more professional IMO.
The graphic right before the story starts...ugh...it puts me off as well. There isn't anything aesthetically pleasing about it, and when I go to read, I want to read, not see some picture that has to do with the story. Write the chapter and then at the bottom with a potential author's note put a picture if you really think that it is important.
Your paragraphs are WAY too short. Like 1000x too short. They're literally just a single sentence or two. And obviously you don't want super long paragraphs on wattpad but four to six sentences is usually your best bet. Short paragraphs just make for short and choppy reading that isn't pleasant.
"The lucent radiant of dawn blinds me invoking a orderly chaos within my head." So, the glowing (or giving off light) radiant of dawn blinds me...? That makes no sense.
Who is Candice?? The dialogue makes it sound like it's the narrator who we know is Zlatan. You need to fix that for clarity.
"as pure as driven snow" does that mean her smile is dirty??? Snow that has been driven on takes on this grim, gray color, and gets stained. Not sure if that's what you mean?
Again with a picture...ugh...at the end, seriously. This is such a big turn off.
Her eyes hold mine manifesting a photograph of thousand emotions held within.
Silence gave a thousand answers as it took over us. I found myself gently moving towards her.
You are trying waaayyy to hard with this description and being whimsical stuff, way too hard. tone it down a bit and write the story.
Also, you start your story with someone waking up and you should really, really, really, avoid doing that at all costs. It's one of those "classic beginning writer mistakes" if you don't believe me look it up.
0/5
Overall:
There isn't enough to this story. It needs a lot more, this chapter honestly should be beefed up a lot, take out some of description, or cut it down, add more things in that actually pertain to the story line. You just need to add a lot more too this chapter.
Final Score:
7/25
