Author: Fanvergent003
So, how this will work is I will go paragraph by paragraph in your first chapter and point out the mistakes that I find.
Paragraph 1: To begin with you're starting your story with someone waking up which is a huge cliche and something that you should really avoid doing. It is a common trope that a lot of young or less experienced authors do. If you don't believe me and want to hear all about how horrible it is google it, you'll get a lot of hits.
"When the loud beats of the song which was made even louder with Harry Styles' screaming voice resonated against the walls of her silent room, she couldn't help but press her ears closer to her pillow in an attempt to block the noise."
This is an insanely long sentence, oh my lord. I'm going to fix all the errors in it and try and break it up for you so you can get an idea of what it should look like.
"When Harry Styles' screaming voice resonated against the walls of her room she shoved her head under her pillow, in an attempt to block out the sound."
Something like that, you can see I took your three lines of text and cut it down a lot with still getting the point across.
",she let her hands trace across the surface of her hardwood nightstand"
I think fumbling instead of trace would make a lot more sense and paint a better picture of the scene.
So many of these sentences are just useless rambling that really needs to be cut up and shortened so that they are easier to read. There is nothing fun about reading a sentence that seems to go on for ages. And most of yours do.
Another issue is the insanely long paragraph, I don't understand why it's so long. Honestly, it hurt my eyes trying to read it and I couldn't focus on the words at all because there were so many all clumped together. If you change anything in this story, please, please break up the paragraphs.
Paragraph 2: I'm going to say this is para 2 for my own sanity, but idk if it is or isn't, this is the paragraph directly after the screen shot of the phone.
In the very first sentence and all over the place you switch from past tense to present, which is a super easy mistake but needs to be fixed. It is confusing and messes up the potential flow of reading.
THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY HER'S!!! They are everywhere!!!! You need to vary the words you use and spice is up bit, there are many ways you can say the same thing without have multiple HER'S in every sentence.
The way these paragraphs are and the long sentences are really making this super hard to critique so I really am not going to be able to do this super well, I already have a pounding headache and I am less than halfway through.
",not because she was obliged, but she because she wanted to."
Obviously you can see the issue here, I don't think I need to correct it.
You dump a lot of info in this chapter about their relationship and that's annoying. You shouldn't give away all of their secrets all at once. You need to slowly and gradually build up and show what they have, not just throw it all out there and ruin everything.
Paragraph 3:
A NORMAL SIZED PARAGRAPH PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!
"She was right, her intuition was right."
I feel like it's obvious here what is wrong with that sentence.
Also again with the dumping information, don't do it, seriously.
Paragraph 4:
Okay, I know I was complaining about super long paragraphs but this one doesn't really fit. It feels awkward and honestly isn't needed. Or if you think it is you should cut something else out in your dump info area and put that there instead.
Paragraph 5:
Oh. My. God. Do not dump information, I will say it over and over again, I don't care. You need to not do it, seriously, you're ruining all the fun in reading about two characters. This also all feels super un-needed, if you cut all of this out you would already be on with the phone call and on with the plot. You're not building suspense, you're just making me irritated.
Paragraph 6:
"Aza are you there?" . (cut out the period here)
"if you cannot talk over the phone, then I'll be there." , (get rid of the random comma, and take out that period, instead put the common in the period's place)
I just want to say that this doesn't sound like the way two teenagers would speak to each other. They don't sound real at all, they sound fake and robotic and not in the broken emotionally way, like in the legit robot, I do not know how to speak kind of way.
"wait a min- minute" , (Comma needs to be inside the quotation marks)
You need to do some research on dialogue grammar.
The way the chick says that her parents are about to get divorced is a weird way to say it. Because it can be taken as the papers are about to be finalized and they will be officially separated, but that would mean that she would have known about it for awhile so it wouldn't be a surprise.
Orrrr it could be taken as they are about to, as in her parents were fighting and throwing that around and going to go through with filing the paperwork. Which would make more sense, except that's a super weird way to word it then.
Also she says that is is too sudden. I guess some divorces can appear to be sudden and out of nowhere, but I feel like the majority of divorces are a build up that reaches a certain breaking point. So I don't know if that's what you want to say. Instead you really mean that her parents were getting along fine and then they were like "Yo we're getting a divorce".
Okay, well I read more and I understand that it didn't seem like they were going to, but still this is a weird way to word it just because it leaves it really open to interpretation.
Paragraph Seven: (After the talking)
"She tried to knack her mind to come with a suitable reply that could convey her shock and still not sound over emotional, but couldn't come up with any."
"She tried to rack her mind for a suitable reply, but she can't think of anything to say."
I shortened it up, and removed all the extra that isn't needed at all, and then got rid of all the mistakes because I cut most of the sentence out.
This dialogue is killing me. They sound so fake, it hoenstly has to be some of the worst dialogue writing that I have read in awhile. And I say that as a fact, not a personal attack. You really, really need to work on it, and you tend to have a lot of word and grammar errors in it. Which makes it even worse, you really need to work on it.
So, at the ending did her friend commit suicide? Is that what I heard? Or was there a home invasion? It's really hard to tell as the description doesn't make it easy to understand.
But, if did commit suicide I feel like there should be more signs while they're speaking to hint at it. Like if she downed a bottle of pills before calling her words would slowly become slurred and twist together, until she silently slipped away. If she hung herself there would've been signs or tells in the way she is speaking, because that is just how it works.
But, really I have no idea what happened at all and it makes no sense.
Overall, you have a lot to work on and this book really needs to be heavily edited, as there are a lot of grammatical errors sprinkled throughout. Not to mention issues with the story itself. You need to work on shortening your sentences and only putting relevant information in.
