Author: SanjeevanPaul
Plot:
The plot is interesting enough. Though it is hard to follow due to some grammar issues, and all the weird, sentences that are thrown in. Either way it doesn't appear to be overly cliche or overdone right away.
3/5
Grammar:
"His body was now only a bunch of skeleton." Read that and think about it for a moment. Then compare it to everything else that has been said about him being pinned to that wall for a very long time.
But ANYWAYS! This issue with that sentence, is that you mean bones not skeleton. The use of skeleton does not properly fit in that sentence.
Your grammar needs work. Like hardcore work. You have so many mistakes, and this isn't a critique so I'm not going to point them out. But, either way you NEED to read over your work and edit it. Or if you are incapable, find someone that can be a writing partner and edit it for you and give you tips. I get vibes that you are younger, but I could be completely wrong.
DIALOGUE GRAMMAR!!! Here is a quick and dirty guide:
Incorrect: "Hey loser." He said
Correct: "Hey loser," he said.
Correct: "Hey loser," Candance said.
Incorrect: "How are you today?" He proclaimed.
Correct: "How are you today?" he proclaimed.
Incorrect: "Bye." she strutted away.
Correct: "Bye." She strutted away.
2/5
Descriptions:
You have something in the way of descripitions here and there, but overall it is pretty weak. I don't really feel like I'm involved in the story at all (partially has to do with the grammar issues). You need to have a little bit more or describe different things. I want to know what the world is like around the character, I want to know if there is anything important about the world. Try incorperating more descriptions, however, this is only once you get your grammar under control.
2/5
Characters:
Your main character is interesting. He is in no way created perfectly, and there doesn't seem to be a whole lot to him. But, I don't hate him. I only read one chapter so the hate could come later, but either way, for now he is good enough for me not to want to suffocate him.
3/5
Anything Else I Don't Like:
Demion. I know this is stupid, but I really can't stand how the name is spelled. It is your own decision as an author but, I don't know how to pronounce it. As it resembles Damion, which is (dame-e-on) when you say it. So would it be (dem-e-on)?
First paragraph...break it up! Ahh! It's pretty long and hard to follow.
"Forwarded & thrusted those..." write out and, never use the symbol in the middle of your story.
Things just don't match up in your story. If he is simple a skeleton now then how does he have one seemingly solid and functioning arm?
I have quite a few issues, but I'm just going to leave it at this.
1/5
Overall:
This story needs work. There is no way around that, but with some effort and hardwork I'm sure you can turn it around and shape into something worthwhile.
Final Score:
11/25
