Author: Multijoys
Plot:
I didn't read far enough to really pick out a plot, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here, and some points. However, your story is paced super slow, with a section about the main character's parent's that I couldn't finish because there was so much of it, and I frankly didn't care. So, work on your pacing, and when to include things, vs. leave out. I don't think the whole entire life story of his parent's is important to me at all. At least not now, partially through the very first chapter.
3/5
Grammar:
The very first paragraph is only two sentences and a sorry excuse for a paragraph at that. Add more to it, and break up the first sentence for certain.
When not combined with a possessive noun (such as my, his, her, your, our etc) Dad and Mom should be capitalized.
There are a couple grammar mistakes sprinkled through this chapter, but not enough to give me heart burn so whatever.
3/5
Descriptions:
You have a couple very measly descriptions thrown in there, nothing that really satisfied me, or enhanced the read at all. This is something that you need as descriptions enhance the read and allow your readers to feel closer to what is happening in the story.
1/5
Characters:
I had thought that your main character was 12 by the narration, he sounded really young. Then, you drop that he's actually 20???? You need to work on the disconnect here, and make the actual writing sound more professional and adult like if your main character is going to be adult.
I don't have much to say besides that as I stopped reading this, because it was long and I lost interest and couldn't force myself through the rest of it.
Also, from what I did read the main character doesn't seem to have much in the way of personality. He comes off as dry and boring, and I couldn't care less about him. If you can work more of the personality and things that he would do into the story that would make a world of difference as well. Reader's need to feel something for the characters, that way they will stay interested for longer.
2/5
Other Things I Hate:
The title...why is it in all caps with some awkward spacing in between? It's ugly, annoying and freaks me out. I would've skipped over your book because of that. It doesn't leave me with a good feeling about the story. If you're doing crazy things to the title, what other crazy annoying things could await me inside?
There isn't much in the way of story telling. It reads like a summary, or a list, there isn't much to it that holds my interest.
"cuz" *glares*
Info-dumping.
The non-existent flow in some places/a lot of places.
0/5
Overall:
You have a lot of things to work on, and improve in your writing before you can succeed. When you go through and edit this story work on the things that I suggested, or even now in your writing work on improving what I mentioned. It will make a world of difference in your book and potentially bring you some fans. Good luck with your future writing adventure!
Final Score:
9/25
