Author: xohrats
Plot:
I'm confused. I don't know where we are or what is happening. I guess there is a body present that may have become deceased due to suicide? And then from there we're jumping to Juno claiming her sister has been raped, but, who the hell is her sister and what does that have to with the dead person? Then she goes off to talk about these people that mean nothing to me, at all, and how they'll get away with things. Then it ends. And the body has nothing to do with anything? It's so confusing!!!!!!
But then in the first chapter Juno is a police officer and interrogating someone? Couldn't you have connected that in the prologue, by setting something up?
I just have some issues with how this plot is set up and the ways that it comes across don't seem quite right to me. A lot of it has to do with other areas you're lacking in that I discuss below. But, overall I think it's going to have to do with some scandals and maybe a few more dead people? I don't really know, I'm still a bit confused as to where this story is going.
2/5
Grammar:
"The police say that it was suicide."
Do you see the issue with this sentence? You switched your tenses, say is present, where was is past. So, either said, and leave was, or chance was to is. The same goes for the sentence after that. You actually do it a lot in the prologue, so go through and decide if you want to write in present or past tense and then correct your grammar accordingly.
You have a few issues scattered around grammatically wise that are simply typos more or less, so just look into cleaning that up.
2/5
(because of the tense issues)
Descriptions:
I feel so lost in this world. You describe a few things, like the sound of a chair scraping, or random colors. But, other than that there isn't much there that immerses me. I don't feel involved in the story at all, it feels like I'm being told by someone who heard the story from their cousin's grandmother's step-aunt or something. Add more descriptions and in different places, to try and enhance the experience of the reader.
3/5
Characters:
Juno is pretty dry. I can't say that I like her very much, but that's because she has no personality, rather than me not liking her personality. As a character she comes off as very plain without much too her. There are so many ways to make her character more dynamic and make her seem more like a person and less like a boring character in a book. Breathe life into her, give her a quirk, make her angry, make her calm, give a reason to why she paces, show the reader her inner monologue (but not too much), literally anything besides what she does. A big part of the first chapter is to get the reader hooked on your story and the characters in it, or at the very least get them interested in something. I want more to her character. A lot more.
2/5
Other Things I Hate:
Holy shit, there are so many things to get through before getting to the actual story. I'm an impatient person and that kind of thing annoys the crap out of me. I get that those things are supposed to enhance the story, but I can't handle it.
The acts confuse me. What is their purpose?
Your paragraphs are super, super short and I can't take it. I understand that you are trying to prove a point by doing so, to put more emphasis and such. However, it isn't coming through that way, it just comes across as jumpy and not story like.
Something about the interrogation scene with Juno doesn't seem very professional, or at all like an actual interrogation. It reads as if it's fake, but maybe not all the way and just partially? I don't know, it could also be the lack of description of things that are more important to making to seem professional.
"Forty can easily turn to four, just as one man can easily turn to zero." The second part of this sentence cracks me up and not in a good way. You need to work on your dialogue, a lot of it comes across as not very meaningful or like actual people talking. And on top of that the dialogue itself doesn't seem to be different even though two different people, from two very different backgrounds are speaking. I wasn't reading very carefully and thought Juno was speaking a lot, and then got confused when I realized Matthias was in there too.
1/5
Overall:
Despite the score and what I said above, I really don't hate your book. Which is kind of funny, because usually I would with the issues I've stated above. However, I can see some of your writing shining through and I like what I see. It's not enough for me to rant and rave over, but it's a simple whispering promise of something better. With some work I think you can really write some amazing stories, you just have to focus on certain things and expand your skill set a bit more. I wish you luck on your future writing adventures!
Final Score:
10/25
