Author: Illness_of_mind
Plot or Cover/Blurb:
I have kinda mixed feeling about the cover, I'm generally not a fan of cleavage and partial stomach on covers because I think it looks kind of trashy. But the one on your cover is fairly tame and not entirely in my face so I don't know, I'm on the fence about it. Other than that I do like the font you used, and it isn't blurry which is always a plus.
Your blurb makes me want to fall asleep. It is long and literally tells your story. I prefer blurbs that keep some things a mystery and just allude instead of straight up in your face hitting you with the facts. I mean I get that it should be a summary, which this is, but yours doesn't make me overly excited to read it, especially because it feels like you're just checking off the boxes of most things that happen in the book. I don't care if they're not important, you're still giving away your story.
2/5
Grammar:
You did mention that there were a lot is mistakes so I'm not going to give you a talking to about it. I will mention though that you need to read up on your dialogue grammar as it is incorrect, and honestly more annoying then the other little mistakes that I saw.
3/5
Descriptions:
Your descriptions are simple, there isn't anything about them that makes me want to bash my head off of a wall or anything that leaves me begging for more. You describe enough to just barely get by and for me that is good enough, I don't find myself overly deficient in the description department. However, I do think you could improve on how you weave them into your story, and work on the wording a bit. That way that won't be as basic and bring a little more to the table without punching anyone in the face.
3/5
Characters:
Your characters are fine. They aren't super in your face but their personalities are easy enough to pick apart that I don't hate it. I think there is a large possibility that you will develop these characters and make them even more individual. Just because at the moment they have personality, but at least for me they're almost too dull, but I'm very picky when it comes to characters.
3/5
What I Hated/Thoughts:
When you go through and edit this make sure that you clean up some of your sentences, there are a few of them that are awkward and don't really mix well with the rest of the writing. They're a little stutter and I don't like it. Also, when you go through be careful that you don't repeat the same word close together, you did it two separate times.
When the boy turns into a dragon it is directly after he is talking about his friend. So, why does it end the prologue without him mentioning his friend again? I would assume that even in his elation he would look to his friend hoping to see the same thing happening, and then the dread that he would feel when he realizes that his friend isn't changing and is going to die (assuming that that is what happens). I think that would be a more powerful and certain way to end it, leaving the reader on an oh shit moment instead of the way you did end it which is just ehhh.
"The classroom was huge enough for there to be 40 students inside and still fit one hundred more." That is such a weird way to say that the room can fit 140 people.
In the first chapter there are also a lot of little wording things, and just sentences that are put together really, weirdly.
I know you said that this is a rough draft but I stopped reading because it just felt really messy and was starting to annoy me, and I guess that's just the way that things are.
3/5
Overall:
This isn't horrible, the writing is a tad bit too messy for me to shove through. You should be able to polish a nice story out of them once you go through and do some editing.
Final Score:
14/25
