Author: -WorldOfWonder
Plot:
I don't know yet, I only read the first chapter and there wasn't really much to give. I assume that it probably has to do something with the friend Mimi? I don't really know though, it was a really short chapter so it was extra hard to try and pick things out.
3/5
Grammar:
You need to research dialogue grammar, yours is incorrect. And there is also a lot of small, simple grammar issues spread around that are annoying and take down the overall value of your writing.
2/5
Descriptions:
Technically you had descriptions, but I wasn't impressed. There were a couple describing words thrown in but you need so much more. It is lacking so much in this department. This story is like a building that has the exterior, bare bones, just enough that it stands, but not enough to fill it or make it overly steady. The descriptions and narration and characters are what fill a story with life.
1/5
Characters:
I feel like you know who your characters are, which is a start. You also, in the smallest of ways did give small insights into their characters, but not enough. I want more. The first chapter is where you should introduce your characters (not in the Hi my name is Shit Head and I'm 14 years old). But in the way you did, I just need more. More.
2/5
What I Hated:
I'm not a fan of books that start off with dialogue, it's not the best way to set the scene or introduce your characters. Sometimes it works but most of the time it's just confusing and doesn't go well. You can google it and read more about it if you like.
"She is drinking her hot chocolate while she closes her eyes. Either she thinks it's delicious or she is gonna rip."
What do you mean by rip here? Is she going to fart? Literally rip something? Start ranting someone and rip them to pieces? I need more than what you gave me, I would also consider rewording this sentence, it just doesn't read right.
That reminds me.
Your title doesn't sound good in my head or out loud when I read it. I think you should switch "the" to "a" because at least that way it sounds better. But, if you aren't overly attached to it I would consider coming up with a different title.
I don't like how you have written this, it really isn't a style that I like. I am more for longer paragraphs with more descriptions and less choppy sentences. You have short sentences and paragraphs that are only a couple of sentences long. Then there is the way you're writing this, you're telling me too little and too much all at the same time. It's just all over the place and I don't know what to pinpoint.
Also, I want to add that it reads more like a list then an actual story. You have pieces of being an actual story in it but there isn't enough to make it read that way. It's like you had a list of what you wanted done and you just checked all the boxes and didn't add anything else. And on top of that I wanted to mention that you don't need to write about every single move your characters make. You should break it up, and add more things in between, I want more narration, more character development, more everything honestly.
1/5
Overall:
This isn't a horrible story, at least I don't think so. I just feel like it needs a lot of work and someone to nurture and care for it. I see that this is a discontinued story, I hope that means that you are planning on rewriting it. If you have given up on it all together I doubt that you would have asked for a review? But, anyways, this isn't a lost cause it just needs you to fill it with life.
Final Score:
9/25
