Author: CandausHurst
Right off the bat, the title is on the longer side, which makes it easier to forget and harder to remember. Also, it really isn't that eye catching and the more I look at it the more it bothers me. I don't know why, it just does. But, it's a rough draft so it doesn't really matter that much.
This will go in paragraph order on the chapter "Justice"
1: Don't start off with dialogue. Never, just don't do it, it is a literary crime! Well actually it is a common newbie mistake and if you want to know more about why google it. I'm lazy and don't want to teach you. Also, while you're at it google dialogue grammar as well, this is incorrect.
"We are finally here." I announced.
VS
"We're finally here," I announced.
2: Okay. I don't understand what you're trying to say here. I mean I do, but it's worded really weird, and it just makes me uncomfortable trying to read it. Also, if she's the only one awake why is she "announcing" that's just inconsiderate and rude.
3: Why did you put apparently in here? No, it's not apparent and it just doesn't feel right to read at all.
4: Who the hell is Diamond? What do you mean you felt some bumps here and there? That's so weird.
5: Okay so Diamond is a Jeep then. I don't understand why we are talking about this. It makes me wonder if there is a plot or not.
6: Okay, you can condense these short little paragraphs and weave them together. It's so weird reading something that is this disjointed and it is honestly making it kinda unbearable.
7: *mouth drops*
8: ...
Oh my gosh, I'm sorry but I honestly cannot keep reading this. You can call me whatever you like but I can not do it. You need to do some major editing and work something out. I have no idea what is going on and I really cannot follow it at all. I tried, I really did, but you need to take some time to work on this. A big thing is the actual story and what you are telling, as far as I can see you are going on and on about nothing, it's not fun to read. Edit, find someone else to critique this for you that will actual finish it, that is my advice to you.
