Author: IEscapist
***Sorry! I ended up reviewing your story instead of critiquing, I skimmed over that on accident! If you still want an actual critique I can do one. Sorry about that!***
Plot:
It's not the most unique, as love stories always tend to be that way. However, I'm not going to knock it before I try it, so I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Even though the scene in the prologue is a popular one, conveying a popular message that is seen in a lot of books.
3/5
Grammar:
This needs edited. No ifs, ands or buts, about it. There are numerous grammatical mistakes, and other little issues like extra words. Simple things that an edit will clean right up.
3/5
Descriptions:
You do describe things. However, you need to work on finessing your descriptions. They are abrupt and don't get across what you are trying to say in an elegant manner. Instead they use simple words that everyone uses for their descriptions when talking about the same exact things. If you are going to use a scene like that to show how distraught she is you need to rise above with something to make it unique. As running and despair tend to go hand in hand with the way you described it, in so many books that I have read. Descriptions are what will make or break you.
3/5
Characters:
The main character, is just another one that I have seen before. Her inner demons and pain are popular on wattpad and in published books. She doesn't stand out in that herd. You, as an author need to make her stand out in that crowd. It isn't exactly the end of the world that you did that, but you need to sell it by bringing in some other elements to the character that really help distinguish her. You might do this later on in the book at the moment I am not getting a unique character.
2/5
What I Also Don't Like:
"Running from the darkness inside her..."
This is overused, and something I see so often. Don't use it. If you want to convey what is inside her, get creative, or show the reader instead of telling, that's always nice.
The smoke.
I couldn't get behind this analogy. It just sounds weird and doesn't fit with the way that is it written. I think you would need to use different wording to make the smoke work.
I also didn't like the running. Something about the way it was written, seemed too dramatic for the scene that was being set. There is the possibility that it can work there, but the way that it was written makes it seem too much. You're trying to set a scene where all she feels is raw pain. Yet, the words you use are general cop-out words for pain, instead of getting creative with it.
Flow! This will come with the editing, but you do need to try and make your sentences flow together a little bit better, as they tend to be a bit more on the choppy side. Granted, I have seen worse.
2/5
Overall:
This could be a good book. However, it needs edited, like I said above.
Final Score:
13/25
