Author: word-warrior
Plot:
This is a disaster.
I don't know what the heck is going on and I'm so freaking confused. Usually I only read the first chapter, which in this case would have just been the prologue, but, because it was so short I decided to read chapter one. I regret my decision, you could've had a lot better review if I didn't but holy shit!
First thing first why is the prologue a thing if it literally does nothing important? You literally tell the event leading up to it in the next chapter, which makes not sense. Why have it? I was so confused, because it threw off everything when I started reading chapter one and the narrator is getting ready to become queen. Because it was like WAIT wasn't she just hiding from evil people and getting ready to be killed? So, then I was like well maybe this is a different person, and it just wasn't specified. But, it's not. *hits head off nearest hard object*
I just can't understand how that prologue helps your story out at all. It makes zero sense and really makes me aggressive enough that I want to flip a table. And we're not going to talk about how much more bearable the prologue is than the actual chapter. You go from sounding like an older teen writer (15-16) to dropping into the realm of a twelve year old at the end of the chapter. What happened????
I merely skimmed chapter one, but, I went through enough of it to just exhaust me. There is no planning to this chapter. Everything happens all at once, for a petty ass reason that isn't good enough for me, and then it all comes crashing down in a weird way, before the non-existent plot lights what remains on fire and disappears. It's really bad. You don't set the world up enough, or do anything enough before sending everything to shit. How am I as a reader supposed to care about what is going on, or even have it make sense if things are going "boom" (rolls eyes dramatically)? This story really seems like it has no point, and honestly with the evil sister that is out to get her (who wasn't properly introduced or set up in any way), the set up with the bombs (which isn't very creative or realistic) and her being wanted dead reminds me of something that I would write when I was 12. Which isn't a good thing.
Anyways I can't see this going anywhere good, especially with how it starts out, which probably doesn't speak well for the rest of the story.
0/5
Grammar:
I didn't pay super close attention as I was too busy being angry over everything else wrong in this book, so you get a free pass and some extra points.
3/5
Descriptions:
You do describe things, yet you do it in a very basic and cliche manner, which isn't horrible, but is isn't ideal either. Or something that really bothered me was the sudden, going into a long ass description about everything that is wrong with this poor character. I know need a long paragraph telling me everything that happens to be damaged on her body. It doesn't matter to me. Especially as I can't see any significance it has to the plot. And as I said, it's super basic. Aaaannd I don't really think that while being hunted you're going to stop and take a moment to think about everything wrong with your body and mentally describe it. I feel like that wouldn't be a top priority considering that death could be there at any second. I would be more concerned with looking for a better place to hide, or something else that pertains to survival.
2/5
Characters:
I didn't feel like there was enough shown of the main character in the prologue to give her a fair chance so I did read the next chapter to try and get a better understanding. However, upon glancing over it I have no idea who the character in the prologue is? Or maybe she is the same as the character in chapter one because it is still first person? Okay, well I read more and that makes no freaking sense at all! ZERO!
Once again that main character is flat as hell. With no personality, or anything that sets her apart from the characters I read in books. You want to make them personable and have your readers connect to them in some way. Instead it's a vague, held at arms length, cut out of a character that I've seen so often. Building a character isn't that difficult, and they make so many sheets that you find free, online that will help you build them and make better characters. However, with the characters you also have to change your writing, so maybe read up on that as well and how you can better incorporate a character in the story and make the reader relate to them.
1/5
Other Things I Hate:
Awwwwwkkkkwardd. In the very first paragraph it sounds as if you are trying to write something that you don't know how to write, or at the very least don't know when to use it. I think you are trying to make a point here, and be a little dramatic. However, it comes across as awkward and annoying. If I was reading this book for fun I would read that, cringe, and then move on to the next book that strikes my fancy. You want to reword this, there are so many ways that it can be done, and still avoid the description cliches that happen there as well.
Don't tell me...SHOW ME!!!!!!!!!!
I don't like how you write. It's like you're trying to be something that you are not, and it isn't working very well for you. I think you're trying to sound whimsical and flowery? Or maybe you're trying to make it sound like the time period? I don't know, either way it's off and doesn't read very nicely. I feel as if I'm spinning my tires as I try to wade through everything. Maybe work on rewording, or being less wordy and instead get to the point.
Her looking at her reflection in a puddle...
All of the chapter one.
0/5
Overall:
I know what I said is harsh, however, that is what I see when I read this book. It needs a ton of work, like a lot!!!!! I really suggest you start over, or at least really think about where you are headed with it. For the record this isn't meant to discourage you, instead it's supposed to be helpful and show you what you need to improve in. If you have any questions feel free to ask.
Final Score:
6/25
