Author: RobynTheWriter827
Plot or Cover/Blurb:
The cover is fine, there isn't anything interesting about it and it looks a little spooky, but it isn't overly offensive and it isn't blurry or hard to read.
The blurb on the other hand does need a little bit of help. You have grammatical errors as well as the fact that it just doesn't read correctly and is a little confusing in some places. I suggest revising this at some point.
3/5
Grammar:
There are a few grammatical errors and some excessive commas in places, though there really aren't that many errors. Just a few little things here and there.
3/5
Description:
You describe things, but it isn't consistent. They are super fleeting and random, such as the potato, and then from there you describe the bread (kind of). You can describe things and your descriptions were decent enough. You need more of it, add more descriptions and more story telling and you might get somewhere.
3/5
Characters:
These characters have no life. There is no personality that is evident they are just dry and boring. I personally couldn't care less about them. Even in the face of possible starvation there is no emotion, just, nothing. And even if that's "her personality" there is a way to write and make evident that that is just purely the character, and you do not do this.
Bring your characters to life.
1/5
What I Hated/Thoughts:
This has no flow to it, the "paragraphs" are extremely short and I don't want to even call them paragraphs. That doesn't help at all with the choppy and fragmented way that the sentences happen.
I feel like there is no emotion in the writing which I talk about ^ but the character acts like they feel nothing what so ever. And it is all written in a very arms length kind of way.
Really though the biggest issue that you have is you need to have more sentences in your paragraphs and just beef everything up. As it is now it is only the bare, shaking bones of a manuscript. It needs life, and a story that is easy and enjoyable to read. There needs to be more emotion in the characters, more descriptions, more story telling.
2/5
Overall:
Your writing voice isn't bad, it is actually rather nice. However, you need to work on different aspects such as flow, descriptions, characters and just in general bringing more life into your story. Then once you have that done I think you may be able to get this story going.
Final Score:
12/25
