I'm Yours (Sequel to "You're mine")

Chapter 70: I can't do this

T's POV

I had spent about 2 weeks in the hospital. The time I spent there, changed me. I went into the hospital with a bright future ahead of me, I came out of it with nothing...

I tried to give it some time. I tried to live life, as people expected of me. Some days that went well, some days it was hard. Sometimes I felt happy, sometimes I felt down. I often felt like I was on a rollercoaster that didn't stop. A rollercoaster whose rails could go off-course any moment...

I stayed at home since my return from the hospital. The doctor had written me a note for the next 2 months. "Because of my troubled past", he said as his reasoning. I just went along with it.

I would get up every day with Leah. We would have breakfast together, we'd talk about her day at school. We'd talk about what I would be doing for the day. We'd talk about dinner, which I often prepared now. Then she'd be off to school. And I'd be alone.

Alone...

All day...

Just me...

With nothing left...

I always tried to keep myself busy. I cleaned the house. Or I'd go to the store. Or I'd work in the garden. Or I'd watch some tv or a movie. Anything to not think about what had happened. Anything to avoid facing my harsh reality.

But every time, I was confronted with the loss. I couldn't help but think about them... Our kids. Our beautiful souls are in heaven now. I often spent time looking up at the sky, praying to them. I talk to them. I apologize to them. I miss them...

I went upstairs, to bring the laundry up. I walked to the master bedroom to put the laundry down. When I left the room, the spare room came into view. It was merely across the hallway anyway. I gulped and looked at it for a while.

After some minutes, I walked to the door. I took the handle and waited. I thought about this. I wondered if I should enter. I wondered if this was a good thing to do. As I was wondering all of these things, I was gripping the handle tighter. My fingers started to get white.

Eventually, I opened the door. I swung it open, as if an extra power helped me get in. I was breathing heavily and looked around. 

Cribs...

Toys...

Clothes...

Everything here was ready for our babies. But they would never come...

I fell to the ground, my face in my hands. And I cried.

__________________________

Leah's POV

I hated these long school days. Classes till 6 pm... How dare they? And the train hours sucked equally. I wouldn't be home before 7 pm...

As I was on the train, I took my phone and called T. I waited for her to answer her phone but, when she didn't answer, I frowned. Strange...

I shrugged it off, thinking she was probably busy with our dinner. She knew I would be home later, I had told her this morning. 

I got home, a little after 7 pm. I opened the front door and frowned. It was all dark in the house. "T?" I said carefully. I entered and closed the door behind me. I put my backpack down and walked around the house. "T?" I tried again.

I walked to the kitchen and noticed how nothing was made. The stove was off, the lights were off, and no plates were served. It seemed nothing was even prepared all day here. I frowned more.

"T?" I tried again, though this time more worried. I looked at the stairs, gulping at the thought she might be upstairs again. I slowly made my way up the stairs. "T?" I said, barely above a whisper.

I walked to our room, hoping she was there. I opened the door and cursed when she wasn't there. This would've been the easiest place.

I went back to the hallway and looked at the other doors. Immediately the bathroom door came into view. My heart started beating faster at the thought of her doing something to herself.

I gulped and slowly made my way towards the bathroom door but stopped halfway when I saw the door to one of the spare rooms was slightly open. I frowned.

I slowly walked to it and opened it. As it was dark inside, I flicked on the lights and gasped. "T!" I rushed to her. "Hey," I immediately knelt to pick her up from the ground. "What's wrong?"

T looked at me, her eyes red and puffy. She had been crying a lot. "I can't..."

I gulped. "You can't what, baby?"

She sniffled, and tears streamed down her face. "I can't do this."

I looked at her.

"I try and try and try," She gulped. "But I can't do this."

I gently tried to wipe her tears away. "It's ok, baby." I whispered.

"How is it ok?" She pulled my hands away from her face. She looked away. "All of this," She motioned to the room, to the furniture in the room. "What's even the point anymore?"

I gulped. "T - "

"We've lost them," She motioned to the cribs, waiting to be used. "They're gone," She looked down, burying her face in her hands. "I can't do this anymore."

I tried my best to fight the tears. "T," I gulped. "They may not be here with us, but they'll always live on in our hearts."

She slowly looked at me.

"The pain is unbearable, I know," I carefully reached for her hands, holding them in mine. "Time won't ease that pain," I slowly nodded, and tears slowly covered my face. "But we have to try," I sniffled. "For them."

She blinked a few times. "I don't know how..." She gulped. "How do I go on?"

I gulped. "I don't know," I replied honestly. "But we do it together," I said, gaining a small nod from her. "Tiny steps, day by day."

She closed her eyes for a moment before opening them again. She looked up before hugging me.

I wrapped my arms around her. I held her all evening, seated on the ground in that spare room. I wouldn't let go of her, I wanted her to know we were in this together. Forever.