Collection of Destiel

Heaven

When Dean died the third or fourth time he always saw darkness when his eyes closed for what he thought was the last time. The darkness after his death is what made him hardened as the years passed and he was still alive. Because going to hell was better than thinking that there was absolutely nothing for him when he died. Those times he died, and all he saw was nothing, it was when he realized that he didn't have a shot of heaven. There had always been a piece of him that hung on to the idea of heaven, even if he joked that he would never go, and when it all came crumbling down in that darkness... That was when he lost hope for everything.

"I wonder if Jess will be in my heaven." Sam pondered one day as the two of them sat in another cruddy motel room researching another cruddy case.

Dean only huffed and that was the end of the discussion. Usually when Dean prayed it was to Castiel, but sometimes he prayed that his brother would get his heaven. Because even if Dean never got to it, he couldn't imagine a world where his younger brother didn't make it past the pearly gates.

It wasn't until a night on the town with Castiel that Dean started to see the darkness lift. The two of them were seated quietly at the bar with a beer in hand. Chatter and laughter filled the room as Dean stared at the condensation on his beer and debated whether the case they were working would end in a day or two.

"I miss heaven." Cas wondered aloud solemnly.

"What's to miss?" Dean snapped bitterly. "Seems overrated to me."

There was a beat of silence before Cas let out a reminiscent sigh. "It isn't. Heaven is pure. There was a certain heaven of a man that I would always go to and sit. It was beautiful, breathtaking, and unlike any place I had ever been. Decades could pass as I sat there. I don't miss my siblings as much as I thought I would. I tend to miss only the quiet scenery of that certain heaven."

Dean closed his eyes to darkness and had to bite his tongue to comment that his 'heaven' was only darkness and more darkness.

"I believe that everyone has an idea of what their heaven would be like. As I am an angel, I will have no heaven. Even if I did, I don't know what would be in it. Maybe it would be a replica of that man's heaven. Maybe I would see my fallen brothers again, the ones that I did love. I want to hold on to some faith that maybe someday I will return there." Cas took a long drink from his beer. "What would be your heaven, Dean?"

"I don't know."

"I think you do."

"Dammit, Cas." Dean gripped his bottle until he thought it would break into his palm. "I don't want to talk about this, alright? Drop it."

The music carried on around them until Cas spoke up carefully. "Do you not believe you will make it to heaven?"

Dean stayed silent and glared a hole into the bar under his weight.

Cas continued through Dean's silence. "When I think of your heaven, I like to imagine you seated on the hood of your impala watching a sunset. There are no cases to burden your mind, no screams of victims to deepen a crease in your brow, no apocalypse to make your lips turn into a frown, and no worries to cloud your mind. I like to imagine that you have a slice of pie on your lap and you get to enjoy it without worries able to sour the taste."

"An eternity of that sounds like it would get boring." Dean motioned for another beer and tried his hardest not to punch Cas out for talking about this.

"On the contrary, you would never get bored. It wouldn't feel like eternity to you. You'd be blissful." Cas turned his body to the side to watch Dean's face. "Do you think you are underservant of heaven?"

Dean cursed the way that Cas could always seemed to know what was in his head. "I just want to drop the subject, is it that hard?"

"Do you know how many people I have met in my life?"

"A zillion?"

"More than there is a number for. And do you want to know of all those people, who I think is the most deserving of going to heaven?"

"Ghandi?"

"You." Cas stared into his eyes with such seriousness that it struck Dean motionless and captivated. "Dean Winchester. The name itself is among the noblest of heroes. You have been to hell, but do you understand the circumstances of your place in hell? It was a sacrifice for your brother. Sacrifice is the most pure of actions, especially when a life is at cost. When I pulled you from perdition, I also granted your pureness back into your soul. You think that you will not be granted access to heaven, but to me there is no doubt in my mind that it is where you will spend eternity."

Dryness crackled Dean's tongue as he sat stoic under Cas' gaze. A million retorts and jokes crossed his mind, but all of them were stuck in the back of his throat. "Cas-"

"And when you do make it heaven, which you will." Cas gave him a stern stare. "I will watch from my place on earth, the place that I have been doomed to for you, as you smile without restraint in a place that will settle your soul like it should be settled."

A silent tear slipped down Dean's cheek and landed hot on the back of his hand. "Cas-"

"Don't." Castiel settled back on his bar stool and lowered his eyes to the ground. "Don't deny what I say, I don't want to hear it. I can't bear to think that you don't see what I see. The truth, Dean, is that when I imagine my heaven I imagine sitting on the hood of the impala right by your side and watching the sunset with your arm warm against mine. Maybe that confession will push you away from me, but it is the truth. If I have to fight my way into heaven myself, I will carve a place for you there because that is what you deserve."

Dean couldn't help the short sob that burst lightly from his lips. Without thinking he reached his body across the distance between them and buried himself into Cas' chest. The angel didn't say anything as he wrapped his arms around Dean's back and hugged him protectively.

"I have seen the list of souls destined to heaven, and yours was at the top." Cas whispered softly. "So never fear of hell for it will always stay beneath you."

Dean choked out a sob and clung every part of his being to his angel. "Promise me you will be there with me, Cas. No matter the heaven I get. I want you there."

"I'll be there." Cas kissed the top of his head lovingly. "I will always be there with you, Dean. Always."