her girlfriend.

forty-nine

"Shhhhhhhh, shhhhhhh, it's ok," when I'm like this, her calming voice has almost no impact on me, "I got you, you're safe, River."

Nightmare. Had a motherfucking nightmare. After a fun night at the studio with my girlfriend, I have to have a nightmare.

I'm fully convinced the world hates me. Life hates me. My own fucking mind hates me and that's a fact.

Mind gotta hate me to make myself have a nightmare so bad that I literally was hurting myself. Thrashing all around the bed and crying.

I'm ok, now. Not ok. Just-- I'm not hitting myself anymore. Snapped out of the flashback part. Just the aftermath I gotta deal with now.

Probably the hardest part. The only way to get through it is just to cry it out and shake and be terrified of what just happened.

Wish there were cheat codes in life or some shit. Like in the sims. The sims have such a good life. Fuck the sims.

"You're ok, you're ok. Shhhhhh," Sabrina is sitting up in her bed, back against the headboard with me in her arms, sobbing into her chest.

"No, I'm not." I somehow manage to get out with a sob and a sniffle as I stain her t-shirt with tears and whatever else.

"Yeah, you are, baby. Look at me. I got you, and I'm never gonna let anything happen to you. You're safe."

"He's gonna find me," that's irrational, I know it is. Yet here I am. Sobbing over it and shaking and being terrified.

Sabrina tightens her arms around my body. Letting out a deep sigh but still holding me close and giving me all the love I need.

The silence helps a little. The sobs stop shortly after, but I think that's just because there's no more tears left in me.

"I will never let anyone hurt you again, River. I'll protect you no matter what, ok? And if I could take all your problems and give them to me, I would."

Yep, I do got some tears left. They all come pouring out like a waterfall as I nuzzle deeper into her chest. Arms holding her waist.

And Sabrina let's me cry and cry and cry and cry until I'm completely drained and sitting in between her legs, head on her chest.

With a massive headache but mentally, a little better. Been almost an hour since the nightmare and episode I had. Record time, almost.

Not quite back to normal yet, though. Whatever that normal may be. If there even is a normal with me.

"You need to drink some water," her voice cracks a little when she hands me the cup of water from the bedside table, "And breathe."

I do both those things, willingly. "I don't want to think about it anymore."

Sabrina's eyes are filled with something beyond concern, I see when I finally look up at her for the first time since my nightmare.

Hand gently caresses my face, trailing her thumb along my heart tattoo and tracing it as she observes me. "I know. You'll be ok."

"Sabrina," the tears start to come again and I don't even know why this time. It sucks when you have depression, man. It really does.