her girlfriend.

one-hundred-fourteen

Anxiety lead to so many different things for me that it becomes dangerous. It leads to me being terrified and hitting myself in my sleep. Sucks.

Really fucking suck that my anxiety which may be the one thing I cannot control can lead some nightmare. It just sucks. No other way to put it.

Nightmares be the worst and they always seem to happen after having an anxious day. It feels so bad when you know it coming but nothing. 

Absolutely nothing expect not sleeping all night can be done to avoid the nightmare and that is the worst fucking feeling. I hate it. I hate this.

The actual situation happened ten years ago yet my nightmares continue. It gotten better but it still happens. I still end up crying at seven am.

"Shhhhh," no idea how bad it would be without my girlfriend being so supportive. I would just probably die. It sound terrible but that for real.

"Sorry— I-I— I'm sorry." washing my face with cold water always helps cool myself down from sweating or anything really. It just helping me.

"Honey, stop apologizing." her voice is so tired as she stand behind me with her hands rubbing up and down my waist so calmingly, "I know."

The water hits my face and it feels easier for me to breathe again. I take advantage of it and take one deep breath in then let it out. Feeling good.

Sabrina squeeze my hips so gently with support in her grip. That brings me some good feelings along with everything else. "Keep breathing."

Our eyes stay locked in each other through the mirror and I breathe. We breathe together and that motivate me even more to feel even better.

Because I want to feel better. The choice for me to be on medication came from the place of me wanting to be the absolute best me as possible.

Nothing changes despite having this dumb ass nightmare. I still wanna try the medication shit no matter how nervous it makes me right now.

"Good girl," she usually says that to me in such a sexual way but this way is supportive. It make feel okay but not better yet and not for a while.

Maybe this is something medication could help me with. It might be able to help me feel even better even faster and that would be so needed.

Not about to discredit my improvement but my day almost immediately becomes the closest to ruined as possible. It could be better than that.

Having one nightmare used to instantly put me in the worst mood and have me never leave the bed or stop crying so it improved but not fully.

"You are so strong," both my hands be gripping the sides of the sink and both hers stay on hips from behind to hold me close, "River, you are."

"Everything be s-so hard for me." that has her wrapping both arms around my waist now and holding me even closer than she already got us.

"Come here," Sabrina knows that the tears are about to start and turns me around before they do so she can hug me, "It will get easier, baby."

My face is snuggled right down into her neck as the tear start to soak her shirt. Already sobbing and shaking but she hold me regardless of that.

Sabrina is so much shorter than me yet still not short enough to make this hard. It feels like she the perfect height for me to cry when I need it.

Could be just that her hugs are perfect. They is always so warm and she always making sure to rub my back. It usually calm me down so quick.

Today is different. Today is gonna be huge with all the medication stuff going on and it worked me to the point of a nightmare and breakdown.