her girlfriend.

fifty-seven

I'm no longer proud of myself. Not one little bit. I'm so upset and disappointed in myself now, actually. In just the span of a night.

If you couldn't guess, I had a nightmare. Seriously can't go just a motherfucking week without having one. I hate it.

I just hate everything right now. I'm pissed off. Been doing so well and this shit just has to happen. Life really, truly, does hate me.

And sure, I'm terrified and shaking and still crying all while trying to recover from it but I'm mostly mad. Upset kinda mad.

At myself. And the world. Like why does this shit happen? I don't fucking get it and I'm sick of not getting it. I just wanna live my life.

But I can't. I have to be filled with anxiety and depression and autism and all this other shit that prevents me from doing so.

It makes me so mad that all I can do is cry. Lay on my stomach, between my girlfriends legs and sob into her stomach.

"Shhhhh, shhhhhhh," I can barely hear her hum out to me with her hands almost like massaging my scalp, tangled in all my curls.

"I-I don't wanna-- I-I d-don't-- " can't even fucking speak. I'm such a mess right now and I hate it.

"Deep breath, ok? It's only me. You know you don't have to stutter with me," she's right. I always had that bit of a stutter but with her and people I just trust and love, it's almost unnoticeable.

Until this shit happens. When this happens, I stutter a lot as you have all probably observed by now. Probably because of my crying.

Deep breathes do help, though. A little bit. I can, at least, talk. "I don't wanna sleep ever again."

Sabrina sighs deeply and looks so heartbroken. It's probably so hard on her to see me like this but she knows just how to deal with it.

"You'll be ok," she tells me and I know she's right. It's just so fucking hard right now to cope with everything going on in my head.

The only way is to cry it out, I guess. It'll give me a wicked headache and make me feel exhausted but at least, I'll feel a little better mentally.

I'll feel drained probably all day. That's usually how it goes but this is different. I'm excited for something. See that house today.

That's not until after lunch and it's six am right now. So much time to just cry and let it all out until then.

My heavy crying and sobbing is interrupted and I try so hard to make it seem like I wasn't just doing that when the door opens.

A very tired and messy-haired Sarah opens the door. "Why are you two up? I can hear crying from my room. What's going on?"

"N-nothing. No ones crying," Sarah wouldn't never fall for Sabrina's lie but she's too tired to really think, "We're just gonna take Goodwin out."

All the barely-awake-possibly-sleep-walking creature can do is let out a zombie-ish groan and walk towards her room again. Also like a zombie.

The door is closed after that and Sabrina and I lock eyes. Somehow, seeing her smile a little makes me do the same.

"Let's go for a walk, love," she breathes out, "Clear your head as much as possible and we'll stop at Starbucks, too."