her girlfriend.

sixty-nine

"Look at that, baby girl, look at that," it's cute how I know my girl is always proud of me, even for the little things, "Shower, done."

What I need is someone to proud of me for just basically surviving and I'm finally getting that. You have no idea how good that feels.

Almost makes the fact that I'm gonna be surrounded by her plain, old white trash family for the rest of the day seem ok. Kinda.

I'd still rather fucking do almost anything than go today but I'm being forced to and I have no way out. Not at all happy about that.

There's nothing more uncomfortable than when you're the only black person in a room full of white people. I hate it so much.

Yet I'm doing just that today. At least one of the white people is my girlfriend who loves and takes care of me so much. Thank god for her.

"Get my princess all warm and cozy," I'm immediately wrapped in a towel and taken into her arms, "Come here, lovebug."

"I-I still don't w-wanna g-go." All this love and care I'm getting (and get all the time) almost makes it hard for me to be bitter.

Then I remember what I'm doing today. And then I feel fine about being bitter because anxiety and autism is a bitch. It really is.

"I'll be with you the whole time, and it'll be fine," she assures me but I know it won't be at all, "I got you, always."

"They gonna hate me. I-I don't fit in with t-them. And they're n-not gonna understand m-mental health. Or that I st-stutter a little bit."

"River, look at me, in my eyes," my face taken in my hands and I'm suddenly gazing down into Sabrina's blue gaze, "I will protect you."

"I'm just scared, S-Sabrina." I hate being weak but with her, I can. This girl understands me so well and knows all my weaknesses and shit.

And she knows that her hugs help a whole lot. Doesn't solve anything but it can temporally relieve the anxiety and the stress.

Kisses are the best, too. They help a lot. Those soft, sweet, and just simple kisses help so much. I can't live without them.

"Alright, how do you want your h-- wait, we need to put that curling gel stuff in it and the other stuff-- then a bun? Or down? I like it down."

•••

I seriously have no idea how anyone can put up with me. I'm so fucking difficult to deal with, it's insane. Lots of respect to Sabrina for that.

Sometimes I can't even deal with myself. And yet my girlfriend loves me and still wants to spend the rest of her life with me.

I'm just trying to say that I'm a piece of shit most the time. I'm so anxious just about meeting her family. I hate that, I really do.

Wish I didn't have to be high for it but I do. Or else I'll end up having a full on anxiety attack in front them all when they get here.

"It's only ten in the morning, honey," the feeling of her arms wrapping around my waist feels great, "They won't be here until like four."

It doesn't feel great enough to make me any less anxious. The weed I'm smoking from this blunt is hardly even helping.

That just goes to show how anxious white people make me. I'm gonna surrounded by all them tonight. It's not gonna be a good night.