There Can Only Be One

A Break

The next morning Jessica comes home before the kids wake up. She finds Sam passed out on the couch with the lights on. He was still in his day clothes. She walks over to him, leans over and gives him a kiss on his forehead. He quickly wakes up.
"Are you okay? I am so sorry." Sam sits up and hugs her.
"Please don't say sorry. I just freaked out, I shouldn't have left."
"Sarah said you weren't okay.I wanted to come get you, but no one to watch the kids."
Jessica sits down on the couch.
"It's okay, I needed the sleep."
"Gosh, I was so worried. You must have had a panic attack or something. I have never seen you like that."
"How is Kennedy feeling?"
"Not good,was was up a lot last night."
"Must be a stomach bug."
"She was asking for you."
"That's because she likes it when I baby her when she is sick." Jessica laughs
"Nurse Jessica is the best nurse."
"Haha, where is my nurse." Jessica laughs standing up slowly.
"I am going to go lay with her."
"Okay, let me make you something to eat first."
"No, I am not hungry."
"Please, you are losing so much weight. Eat!"
"No. I am fine."
Jessica walks up the stairs and walks into Kennedy's room. She lays down next to her and holds her.
**
A week later-
Jessica was still a little off. She was trying to hide her emotions, she knew Kennedy thought something was up, but she wanted everyone to be happy. Sam was begging to notice that she wasn't eating, losing a large amount of weight. Jessica was never in the mood to do anything, always body shaming, and she was very distant with the baby. She had panic attacks, and wasn't sleeping. Camden was a month old, at his check up Sam was planning to talk to the doctor privately about Jessica's behavior to see what's wrong. Sam and Jessica were no longer sleeping in the same bed. Sam slept in the spare bedroom. They got in small pissy fights, and were very irritable.
"Come on Jess, just eat the sand which."
"Stop shoving food in my face, I am not hungry!" She says standing up.
"You need to eat, you won't produce good milk, and you are getting too thin too fast."
"I am losing weight from breastfeeding. Is that bad? Do you want me fat and bloated again?" She snaps.
"Just stop arguing and eat the damn thing."
Jessica rolls her eyes and walks out of the room. Sam clenches his fist and bangs it on the counter top. Jessica yells from upstairs -
"Breaking things won't help."
**
"The baby is 10 pounds, great!" The doctor says taking Camden off the scale.
Jessica smiles holding Camden.
"Jessica, how are you doing?"
Jessica becomes quite.
"You look a bit thin, and you are quite. Wanna tell me what's going on?"
"I don't feel the same. I can't explain. I am not happy." She bounces the baby on her leg looking at him.
"Can you explain to me."
"Well, I am just angry, I don't have any motivation what so ever. I feel guilty, like I am not a good mom. I can't sleep, I am not hungry."
"Jessica, I have so many new mothers come in with the same emotions. I would like to run some test and ask so questions. If I am not wrong, this sounds a lot like PPD. Postpartum depression."
"But this is my second child, I never felt like this when Kennedy was a baby."
"That's because you didn't have Kennedy. You didn't experience a drastic change in hormones. It's okay, it is very common."
After an hour or two the doctor comes back into the room after taking some test and asking both Sam and Jessica questions.
"Jessica, it looks like you have postpartum depression. But I am a bit worried."
"Why? Is something else wrong."
"It seems you have sever PPD. I want you to immediately get started on some antidepressants and see a doctor that you can talk to weekly."
"Severe? Will this go away?" Sam says.
"Yes, but it is best to get treated now. And get in medication. If it isn't treated it can cause relapses and long term mental effects. For the baby also, around this time and age the baby will pick up the mothers behavior and feelings. I really recommend a good friend of mine, Karen Hertz. She went to Yale with me, she is amazing."
Jessica was quite. She was embarrassed. How could she not think about postpartum. She thought about how selfish she was nit saying anything to her doctor sooner. She didn't realize that she was hurting not only herself, but everyone around her and the baby.
"What about breastfeeding?"
"Don't worry, these depressants won't effect the baby." The doctor hands her the RX scrip and the number for Dr. Hertz.
"Okay. Thank you." Jessica says softly.
**
Jessica and Sam head to go pick up Kennedy from school. The car ride was quite. Jessica'a doctor gave her papers on PPD, and how to help. She feel like a mental case.
"Well I am glad that we found out what the problem is, and we can get you on meds."
"Yep." Jessica says.
"We can call the doctor tonight, get you in ASAP."
"Okay."
"Why are you answering so faintly, you should be happy."
"It's hard for me to be happy right now, celebrating depression and me being some kind of mental freak."
"You aren't a mental freak Jess. The doctor said it is super common."
"I know, but still."
"Don't worry, things will be okay."
"Okay."
"But you really need to start eating, you are losing too much weight. You stared out at 164 four weeks ago and you are already 140."
"I will."
"Jess, I am sorry."
"Don't be. Everything is fine."
"I miss you baby."
"Why?"
"I feel like you are mad at me."
"I am not."
"Why won't you let me touch you anymore, or sleep in the same bed with you."
"I don't know Sam. Sex isn't on my mind right now."
"I am not talking about sex. I am talking about us. There is such a strain and I hate it. I can't help but think I did something wrong."
"You didn't, I am just like this right now. Trust me I hate it too. I have been trying to avoid this. I think we just need a break. I think I want to go to Minnesota with the baby for a while."
Jessica looks down and twiddles her thumbs, avoiding eye contact with Sam.
"A break? Jess come on, we can get through this. Things are just hard right now. We both have a lot on our plates." Sam stops the car and pulls over.
"What are you doing? We need to pick up Kennedy." Sam quickly leans over and grabs Jessica starting to kiss her. For a moment they sit there and kiss each other. But Jessica was amused.
"Stop it. Please."
"I haven't kissed you in so long Jess."
"I know."
"You can't leave. Once you get on your medicine  and see a doctor things will get better. You can't just take the baby and leave." Sam says with sad eyes.
"I don't know right now."
"What I know is that this is it's a bump in the road. You can't think straight right now, you are depressed. That's okay. I am here for you, and I love you. I want to help you get through this. But you need to let me." He looks at her with a tear down his face.
"I understand you can't have sex or anything right now and don't have the desire to, and that's fine with me. I just miss you being happy, talking to me."
"I can't help it Sam. I hate this too! Feeling helpless. You saying this to me doesn't make anything better."
"I just miss us."