Forever and Always Yours, SS [Book 3]

Chapter 87

The stone stairs appeared, leading Severus to Dumbledore's office. The great phoenix sat on his perch, watching Severus curiously before finishing his meal. Severus glanced at the portraits on the wall; they, too, watched him, some whispering and others glaring as if he had personally stepped on their toes in life. And perhaps he would have; the portraits reflected themselves in life. Maybe some would have been proud of upholding the beliefs of Salazar Slytherin and then enraged when he turned his back on it.

"Ah, Severus, what can I do for you?"

Severus tore his eyes from the curious portraits to the man coming down the stairs, his lavender robes dragging on the steps. The hand, blackened and lifeless, appeared to be darker in color. Worry rushed through Severus's senses. Did I not do a good enough job keeping the curse contained? Will it spread faster?

"Severus, it is just the lighting my friend." Dumbledore said, his face just as weary as his voice. "What do you need?"

"I..." Severus had forgotten why he came, "want to take Amilia off school grounds."

"Ah," Dumbledore sighed as he sat in his grand chair, "that is reasonable. Is she well?"

"She is depressed and I fear that she will start to become aggressive."

Dumbledore chuckled, "I have often heard that motherhood changes a woman."

Severus resisted the urge to scowl; he did not find that funny. Amilia had her whole world nearly ripped from her hands by the little cretin, and then shortly after that...she lost her career and sense of self. "It would do both of us well to have a moment away before the snow falls."

"I suppose that is true," Dumbledore settled into his chair with a relaxed sigh, "you can take her anywhere you want during the afternoon tomorrow. I will have a letter of approval sent to you by morning, you should not have any trouble."

"Thank you." Severus gave his boss a curt nod and started to turn away. "I think that she should be given some more responsibilities; as of right now, she does not have anyone requesting tutoring."

Severus could feel the bland look that Dumbledore was giving him. "Perhaps she can take some shifts chaperoning Hogsmead; of course, she would not be able to take the baby, which will cut into your time together on the weekends."

Severus chewed his lip; that may be something she would not compromise on. He gave a slight nod and left the office, hoping his wife would still be awake on his return.

Amilia lay in bed, her eyes glued to the crib and a sofa pillow clutched to her chest. Do you want to go out for a few hours? To hell with the courts! You are far from useless.

She pressed her lips thin as she could feel the sting of tears in her eyes. If I am far from useless, why do I feel like it? 

Slowly, tears rolled down her cheek and over her nose, dripping onto her pillow. It made sense in her head; she knew that she was not useless, she had worked overtime last school year to keep the children up to date on Defense Against the Dark Arts, and Harry Potter had his secret little club. Severus was doing a great job as the new professor. 

Slughorn, well, he is doing what he is doing best, teaching from the textbook. Amilia would overhear how some students preferred his laid-back method compared to Severus. Hermione apparently was struggling, which was odd to Amilia, but she could do nothing. The girl would not come to her for help.

Amilia chewed her lip until a bump appeared; I know I am not useless. Jordan needs me, but that is all I do. Wake up, take care of her, wait for Severus, put her to bed, repeat. Over and over, day in and day out, the same thing. Walks around the grounds and meals in the Great Hall. "Why do I feel this way?"

Amilia breathed deeply; the exhale shook her shoulders, and she squeezed her eyes shut tightly, trying desperately to stop crying. Things changed for Severus in the ways he had hoped, and he was happy. She would smile for him, but it felt wrong. She would see the smile in the mirror, but it did not look like her. She did not look like herself.

It did not work.

The door to the bedroom opened slowly, something Severus was doing more often than usual with the damp weather, but it would still creak. amilia kept her eyes closed and focused on her breathing, trying to slow it down so he would think she was asleep.

Amilia listened intently to his footsteps; he would take five steps into the room, sit on the little stool and take off his boots and clothes. This time would be no different. After that, he would walk into the bathroom and be there for about five minutes. This time he did not. Amilia furrowed her brow, confused.

The bed shifted as a new weight was added; it creaked softly. What are you doing?

Severus pressed his chest into Amilia's back; he knew she was not asleep. He could hear her thoughts about his routine for when he would come into the room. He gently ran his hand up her arm and pushed some of her hair out of her face before resting his arm on her waist. More often than not, he would not bother her if she was pretending to be asleep; he would curl up next to her and snuggle, letting her feel what she was feeling in silence. He was unsure if that was the right thing to do, but he wanted her to know he was always there for her.

Amilia's breathing was slow and steady, but he could hear a little bit of snot in each inhale. Has she been crying?

Severus kissed her shoulder as he trailed his fingers up her stomach and chest to her neck. There he paused, rubbing his thumb on the underside of her jawline, feeling the wetness that had proved his thought right. He sighed and slid his hand under her cheek, applying enough pressure to make her turn her head to him. "What is wrong?"

"Nothing."

"hmm, do not do that." Severus rubbed her cheek with his thumb.

"Do not do what?"

"Shut me out."

Once again, silence answered him. It usually did, ever since the school year started.

"Amilia, i know you are hurting but I do not know how to help you."

"I do not know how to help myself either." She whispered.

Severus brought his face close to hers, "Do you need more time alone?"

"No. It makes it worse." her voice wavered a little.

"Have you talked to Poppy?"

"She said it is just baby blues."

Severus nodded, his nose brushing against her face. "I am going to get in touch with St. Mungos."

Amilia tensed up next to him, "Why?"

"I think it would be best to talk to someone who deals with people after they have had a baby. You went through something traumatic after she was born. I should have done this sooner."

Amilia whimpered, "I do not want to be a burden and that is all I feel like I am."

Severus gave her a small kiss, "You are not a burden. You never have been."

"Then why does it feel like I am?"

"I do not know but I do know that I want you to be happy, and you are not happy. I do not know how to help you. I will do everything I can to help you, will you let me?"

He could feel her lips tremble against his.

"Tomorrow, we are going out. The three of us. A little family trip, anywhere you want to go."

"Anywhere?"

"Yes, love."

"Paris."

"Okay."