ᒪIᗷᖇᗩᖇY ᖇᗴᐯIᗴᗯՏ 2.0

🔖 The Power Of Consciousness

Author : MidnightKoala

Reviewer : Ouryoaie

• COVER : 10/10

I like the cover, including the way a large portion of the face was shielded. It fits the title and can also attract a reader's attention.

• TITLE : 10/10

Reading the blurb and the story, I noticed how it fits and I really like it. Reading on, I feel her journey is mostly to discover her consciousness; who and what she really is.

• BLURB : 9/10

First, your blurb is too long and I was a bit worried until I started reading it. It was actually very amazing, and when reading, I noticed a part you can easily cut off as it wasn't necessary. The first three paragraphs of the blurb is all the story needs and I highly suggest you cut away the rest so it doesn't look daunting to the reader before they even start reading.
You phrased it so well and wrote a lot about the story (not too much) in a short summary. It's very good.

• CREATIVITY : 8/10

Okay, I was reading and this should be a part of grammar but run on sentences need full stops urgently.

I watched everything that was going on from the strange figures who(that) walked and out of my room carrying out odd tasks to the bright, golden light shining in through the glass window, slowly and agonisingly dissolving into deep, velvet darkness six times through.

This sentence went on for too long and I used "that" because she hasn't registered them as people, so "who" is kind of . . . but you can still use it. You could rephrase this or maybe include a full stop;

With an agonisingly slow speed, the golden light shining in through the glass window dissolved into the deep, velvet darkness six times through and I watched everything that was going on from the strange figures walking in and out of my room, carrying out odd tasks.

Okay, I'm not even sure I got it either, so I feel it's up to you but try not to make your sentences too long.
I really like the story and your description; though some might not be easily understandable. I feel there are some things you should note. In the blurb, you mentioned something about her smelling something resembling mint.
It's a bit of a problem since she knows nothing of the world, so I don't think she would know if something smelled minty or not. These are little things I feel you should note when writing stories like these. Okay, reading on, I noticed you took care of these things and it makes sense, though still keep it in mind.

• PLOT : 14/15

Plots like these are killer and your description and narration didn't just immerse a reader but it made the story and your characters feel alive. I especially look forward to how she came about her situation and what she truly is, these are delicate parts where you could destroy a plot or make it turn out very well.

• CHARACTERS : 10/10

Apart from the main character, I really liked how you introduced other characters and how their actions tallied with the dialogue spoken by them. They felt realistic, especially with the effect given and the reactions shown by the characters.

• GRAMMAR : 10/15

Your grammar is very good but there were times where your tenses shifted. For example, the second paragraph of the first chapter;
But I don't understand how I can recognise anything I see and hear and smell. I don't . . .
Okay, you kind of started your story in past sense and you continued that way, so I'm not exactly sure why you wrote this in present tense, unless you wanted to write down her thoughts . . . which is the only grey area I feel tenses shift.
To correct this, I highly suggest writing it in italics or just changing it to the normal way she had been narrating, and I kind of suggest removing some words, "but" and "and", especially "and" wasn't really needed twice.
I didn't understand how I could recognise anything I saw, heard and smelt. I didn't . . .
Or
I didn't understand how I could recognise anything I could see, hear or smell. I didn't . . .
There are also places I feel you could have used different words. I actually suggest you go through your work one more time to see where you can make slight changes. For example, where you mentioned a person looming over her, you could have rephrased it to the curious face looming above hers. For example;
I had blinked open my eyes for the first time to find a curious face looming over mine as its lips moved, its voice echoing through my ears.
Another thing I suggest is writing your numbers in letters and not just numbers. I also suggest you research on how to use punctuation in your dialogue.
"How's it coming along?" He mutters to someone holding a clipboard. "Can she speak yet?"
I suggest rephrasing it like this;
"How's it coming along?" he mutters to someone holding a clipboard. "Can she speak yet?"
Or simply;
He mutters to someone holding a clipboard, "How's it coming along? Can she speak yet?"
There are also a lot of issues with your phrasing of words and it won't hurt to give your book another glance through before there were many parts comma wasn't used, especially in situations like these;
"Well hello!"
"Well do ask."
They could come after the "well" and apart from these, there wasn't really anything else, but I do advise re-editing.

• COMMUNICATION : 4/5
(With Readers)

• OVERALL IMPRESSION : 14/15

I was taken from the blurb and when I started reading, I noticed how the story was plotted and the descriptions were very lovely. I found Doctor Wolf to be a very enthusiastic character and I loved him right away and I will certainly keep on reading to follow Neoma as she unveils the secrets surrounding her. The story also flows well and I like how the conversations went smoothly.
All the book needs is one more visit and it's done.

• TOTAL : 89/100

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