Crazy Super-Gay Peter Parker One-shots

Batman VS Ironman (Who Would Win In A Fight?)

I've been getting really into DC lately, so I decided at write my take on the Batman VS Ironman discourse (is it really discourse though?).

Ships: Parley, IronStrange

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of fighting and murder.

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"Peter!" A voice screamed out across the lounge room, causing Peter to spring apart from his boyfriend and look up from the movie.

His boyfriend, Harley, groaned loudly, plummeting to the floor like a sack of potatoes, believing that he was the cause of this screaming person's anguish.

Tony stormed into the room, holding up his phone, face twisting with rage. Peter blinked at his father, eyes wide and face innocent.

"If this is about anonymously buying Grandpa Fury a furry suit, I'm really sorry," Peter cried out, clasping his hands together in a pleading motion.

"What?" Tony replied, face going from furious to confused. "No, it's-"

"If it's about me convincing the Hulk that bananas will make him stronger, I take full responsibility," Harley added, slightly muffled as he refused to lift his head from the floor.

"We'll get back to that later, but no," Tony replied, looking quite worried.

Peter hummed lightly, then snapped his fingers. "Oh - you found out about the Walmart I took over with MJ, Ned, and Shuri! That's Walmart's own fault, to be fair. They should have better security measures."

Tony let out a deep sigh, before starting up once more. "No! This is about a Twitter thread. Do you think Batman could beat me in a fight if we got rid of the suits? Hand on hand combat style."

Silence fell upon Peter and Harley, both of whom shared a look. This only lasted a few seconds, then both of them spoke up at once. "No shit he would."

"WHAT?!" Tony roared, looking between his son and his son's boyfriend. "You... you... you traitors!"

"I'm sorry, Tony, but damn, do you know what Batman's training schedule is?! He runs like five miles each morning, does a shit tone of weights, and power yoga! Fucking power yoga!" Harley replied, getting frantic nods from Peter. "You'd fucking die!"

Tony spluttered at this. "I'm... I'm physically active!"

"Dad, I'm sorry but you're really not," Peter mumbled solemnly. "Just yesterday you said that you'd rather die than learn karate with me."

"But that doesn't mean he'd beat me," Ironman insisted.

Harley scoffed at this. "Yes, yes it does. Any of the Robins could beat you, too. The eldest is flexible as fuck, with training that rivals Batman himself, another has a bunch of guns, and the newest one has a cow and a sword. A fucking sword!"

Peter nodded solemnly. "Not to mention that his butler literally defeated Superman in the comics. And Black Bat is scary. Like, really scary. You'd die if you tried to mess with any of them."

"We aren't debating which Bats would kill me, I want to know if Batman would defeat me in a fight!" Tony puffed,, throwing his arms into the air.

"The answer is still yes," Harley and Peter replied in sync.

Ironman crossed his arms, glaring at both of them. "That's it, get out of my fucking tower, fuckwits! Don't come back until you learn some culture, you ungrateful swines!"

Peter rolled his eyes, grabbing Harley's hand and pulling him off the floor. "Fine, we'll go stay at the Sanctuary with Dad."

"Good!" Tony retorted, throwing his arms up once more. "Go to the other traitor."

The two teens left the room, leaving Tony alone in the living room, the movie still rolling.

"FRIDAY," Tony called, looking up, despite the fact that the AI wasn't necessarily attached to the ceiling. "Would Batman defeat me in a fight?"

"He would undoubtedly fucking kill you, you little bitch," FRIDAY replied.

"This is why I love Dum-E the most; he doesn't talk back!" Tony shouted, dramatically stomping out of the room.

In the now empty room, Deadpool climbed out of the vents, picking up Peter's discarded popcorn and sitting down to finish the movie. "Let me know when he comes back, FRI."

"Definitely, my dope-ass fresh prince," the AI replied.

Deadpool clicked his fingers at the ceiling, smirking under his mask. "Damn straight!"

Off in the distance, muffled by the walls, Tony screamed out once more. "WHY DOESN'T ANYONE THINK THAT I WOULD BEAT BATMAN?!"