Crazy Super-Gay Peter Parker One-shots

The Baby Scare

To start off with, this is NOT MPreg, I don't write that. The plot of this revolves around stupidity and assumptions of such, however there is no MPreg, nor will I write it in the future. I have absolutely nothing against anyone who does read/write it, of course! I just don't (though, I don't like reading or writing about female pregnancy, either so...)

Secondly, my book was rejected by the literary agent... they were nice about it, at least, but it really hurts. I was really hoping they were going to take me on...

Anyway, this is a request by xssupernaturallx  and I am super duper sorry for how long it's taken. I hope it's worth the wait!

Ships: SpideyPool, IronStrange, BlackPepper

Warnings: Swearing, assumed Male Pregnancy (Again this is not MPreg)

—————

Peter Stark Strange rather liked cooking. It was his forth favourite hobby, after all.

But what he didn't like was his boyfriend attempting to eat his ingredients:

"Don't touch that!" Peter snapped, slapping Wade's hand lightly with the silicone spatula as his boyfriend tried to take a handful of chocolate chips.

Wade pouted, walking over to the cupboard, where he was quickly able to grab out a chocolate bar. Why Wade hadn't done that in the first place irked Peter more than anything.

"You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were..." Wade began before standing up straight in an 'Eureka!' moment of realisation.

"I've got to go, I'll see you later!" Wade shouted running out of the kitchen.

Peter grumbled for a moment but was realised that his chocolate chips were no longer at risk. However, seconds later Wade came running back into the room, grabbing a large handful of them before running off again.

"WADE!" Peter yelled, glaring furiously at his sprinting boyfriend.

—————

A few hours later, the Avengers sat in the crowded meeting room, waiting for Wade to speak up. Once Peter had gone out to fight some crime, Wade has demanded they all meet up with him.

"Guys, if got some news." Deadpool said, looking around at the slightly annoyed Avengers. "I think Peter's pregnant."

"Why would you think that?!" Tony exclaimed, shooting up from his chair.

Wade grabbed a large piece of cardboard off the floor, turning it to face the group. "Peter was really cranky this morning, so I looked up all the symptoms of pregnancy, and he has some of them!"

"He turned his nose up at the food I dug from the trash, saying that he was craving pizza instead - CRAVINGS! His feet were hurting in those new shoes - he must have SWOLLEN FEET! And the crankiness!" Wade announced, all the Avengers, except for Natasha (and her wife, Pepper, who was also in the room), gasped.

"And where did you get these sources from?" Pepper asked, extremely amused.

"The most credible thing on the internet, of course - fanfiction!" Wade replied, holding up another board, covered with mentions of these symptoms in fanfiction.

Natasha and Pepper shared a look before sighing, clearly stupidity had taken over the tower. There was no convincing them Peter wasn't pregnant. Well, they couldn't, anyway.

"What do we do?! He's too young to have a child!" Stephen cried, clutching his chest as he took deep breaths.

Thor looked extremely confused, as Men couldn't have children on Asgard, unless they were magical, and/or genderfluid like Loki. Midgardians must be different, he told himself, shrugging off the confusion.

"We need to make a nursery!" Clint cried, jumping from his chair.

"No!" Bucky replied, also jumping up. "We need to make the BEST nursery!"

"I'm too young to be a grandfather!" Tony shouted, hyperventilating along with his husband.

"I'm too old to be a great uncle!" Steve announced, horrified.

Natasha looked over at her wife, who nodded in reply. They silently agreed that 1, they were going to stop this, and 2, they needed Friday to record this.

Pepper grabbed out her phone, quickly typing a command out for Friday, who replied with 'LMAO, doing it now.'

Who knew an AI could text like a teenager?

Anyway, Bruce looked around the room, knowing exactly what had to be done. "Everyone, to Walmart!"

There were shouts of agreement from the others, most of whom ran out of the room, towards the elevator, then down to Tony's personal car park. Natasha and Pepper, however, stayed in the conference room.

"Don't want to be arrested because of their stupidity?" Natasha asked, grinning at her wife.

"Yup."

"Same."

——————

This time, Walmart saw the Avengers and Wade coming, as they had set up immediate lock down codes to close down all stores. It didn't matter if customers were inside or not, all the Walmart's in the area immediately closed as the Avengers pulled up to one.

The team groaned as they looked at the lightless store, then Tony got an idea. "TO ILEA!"

"Don't you mean IKEA?" Stephen asked, frowning at his husband.

"TO IKEA!" Tony shouted in response, running back to the car.

IKEA wasn't as lucky.

—————

"Peter, Peter, we've got a surprise for you!" Wade shouted, throwing a bandana at his boyfriend. "Put that over your eyes!"

Peter let out a sigh but did as such, becoming excited by whatever this surprise might be.

Wade and the Avengers quickly led him to the new nursery, before instructing Peter to remove the bandana, which he did with a smile.

Peter's smile fell, eyes looking around the room in confusion. "What the fuck?"

"It's a nursery, for our baby... which you're carrying!" Wade exclaimed proudly, happy with the incredible work he'd done.

"What the fuck, Wade... I'm a guy. Male. Unable to have children." Peter sighed, clutching the bridge of his nose. The teenager sounded absolutely done with everything, so much so that Nat and Pepper burst out laughing.

All the other Avengers fell silent in realisation, before they all let out a synchronised 'Ohhhh'.

For a good five minutes then only sound that could be heard came from Peter's extremely amused aunts, who were cackling loudly in the corner.

Then Wade broke the silence, a bright grin covering his face. "Want to adopt a kid, then?"

"WADE-"