Crazy Super-Gay Peter Parker One-shots

Spider-Man's Missing Pride Sock

I'm so sorry for the wait - I completely lost track of time! Honestly, it's an issue. Have this random picture of an opossum as an apology.

If you listened to the podcast (Fanfictology) that I mentioned back in March, you'll recognise this absolute chaotic mess of a One-Shot. Anyway, I thought the rest of you would like a chance to read an edited version of it, so here it is!

Ships: Ironstrange, Stucky

Warnings: Socks, mentions of detached arms, fighting, knives, Thor's misunderstanding of Anxiety, swearing.

———————

Avengers Tower was currently experiencing one of the calmest, most tranquil mornings in its history.

No explosions, no fighting Avengers, no slamming doors. Just quiet movement and a lounge room full of tired heroes.

Then Peter, the ever-dramatic teen that he was, slammed his bedroom door open. "Whoever took my left sock is dead, do you hear me? DEAD!"

Loud, stomping footstep followed, with the Avengers sharing looks of sleepy horror before Peter barged into the room.

"So! Who did it?" Peter demanded, eyes twitching as he crossed his arms with a glare. Silence followed, with no one stepping forward to admit that they'd taken his sock.

"Fine," Spider-Man spat, his eyes narrowing. "I'll just have to go through your rooms."

There was an immediate and synchronised shout of 'no!' from the Avengers.

Nat frowned sluggishly at her nephew. "What's so important about this one sock? Just buy a new pair."

"Because it's half of my gay Spider-man pair," Peter whined sadly, looking on the verge of tears. "My pride babies."

"Your what?" Clint asked, genuinely confused.

Stephen's face scrunched up in jealousy. "Not fair! Why don't they sell pride Doctor Strange merch?"

"They literally sell a rainbow version of your cloak. I think you're good," Tony replied, comforting his husband.

"Perhaps we should release a range of pride Avengers socks," Bruce suggested as he finished eating his eleventh fruit role up. "It would go well with our rainbow beanie baby collection."

"See! We have those, too!" Tony cried, looking at his now placated lover.

"Peter, can you stop trying to rip off my shoe," Bucky begged, looking severely unimpressed.

Peter looked up and hissed at the Winter Soldier, continuing to aggressively attempt to tear his shoe off.

"I'm literally wearing crocs," Bucky complained, as Spider-Man finally let go of his shoe. "If I was wearing socks, you'd know."

"Oh yeah..." Peter replied meekly, standing up once more. "WHO TOOK MY SOCK?!"

Silence followed.

Nobody spoke for a good two minutes, until Peter's eyes widened in shock and horror. "Then there must be a sock stealing villain on the loose!"

"Peter, that is enough," Tony grumbled, tiredly taking a sip of his coffee. He yawned loudly before continuing, looking at his son with a dead, unimpressed stare. "There is no sock stealing vill-"

That's when the lounge room's ceiling caved in, revealing a spandex wearing man who had been climbing through the vents.

Well, previously climbing through the vents. He was now laying down, splattered across the floor.

"THIEF!" Peter shrieked, pointing at the sandwich bag full of socks in the man's hand. One of which was half of Peter's most prized possession.

"I... I don't know what to say," Steve mumbled, gaping at the man who had now nervously sat up. Bucky nodded in agreement with his boyfriend, looking like he really needed a vacation.

Thor frowned from his place on the floor, legs draped over the coffee table. "That is most definitely a man of quick fingers and mental health issues. Like Loki and his anxiety."

Loki, who was currently filing his nails down with a knife, scoffed. "My anxiety doesn't make me steal socks, idiot. I seek things occasionally because I'm a bad bitch."

The villain to that moment of shock and confusion to get up and sprint towards the elevators, chased by a furious Peter.

"GET BACK HERE YOU SOCK STEALING VILLAINOUS BASTARD!"

The Avengers, excluding a largely amused Loki, shared a look. Not one of them chose to believe that what they had just witnessed was a reality. Perhaps they were sharing a joint hallucination. Or this was just some sort of stupid joke.

It wasn't.

Half an hour later, Peter climbed in through one of the lounge-rooms many large windows. Only, he wasn't alone. Alongside Spider-man came a giant ball of socks larger than he was, being yanked up the side of the tower via his webbing.

That was when the Avengers knew that the 'Sock Shock', as Nat affectionately put it, was a real event that had taken place.

"So... you took out the villain?" Clint asked, not sure what else to say.

Peter nodded confidently. "I detached one of my arms and threw it at him like a boomerang. Knocked him out cold!"

"I'm sorry, you did what the fuck?!" Stephen shouted, looking at his son, who clearly had both arms.

"Yeah, it's something I can do," Peter shrugged. "Like Stitch from Lilo and Stitch!"

"Man of Spiders?" Thor asked after a lengthy period of stunned silence. "What will you do with that ball of socks?"

Peter grinned, toothily, grabbing a bottle of extreme hot sauce from the back of the couch cushions. Why it had been there, only Clint and his 2am chilli dog could say. "I'm going to cover it in this and throw it at Thanos!"

"Who?"